by Pam Dillon
Mom (and dad), I’m challenging you to make some New Year’s resolutions. Not on December 31st, mind you. I mean now. Right now.
As the calendar creeps closer to a new school year, with the sports and activities that go along with it, this is the moment for extreme action and a 360 shift in thinking.
Let’s stop the insanity.
Together, we can: Quit wrecking the fun for our kids. Give up interfering in their sports and games. Step back. Shut up. Think kindly. Act appropriately. Let them be – and let it be about them, not us.
Our children deserve that. Back in the old days, when adults took less ownership of kids’ activities, it was the standard to drop them off at the recreation centre – and leave. No guilt. And fewer problems. Today, parents are often over-involved, unconsciously living through their kids, and as a result, everybody loses.
That’s why drastic measures are in order.
Your wee Jack and Jill are still in diapers and not yet crawling? Think of this as a preventative measure and a call to cease and desist before you mutate into that parent. Your kids are currently in or signed up for sports and organized programs?
Then you’re at risk for – or already suffering from – parent politics and misbehavior. And this is an intervention. Call it a step program, if you like, especially since tremors and other withdrawal symptoms are a distinct possibility.
How hard can it be to step aside and err on the side of silence? Okay. I know, pilgrim. Sometimes it seems damn near impossible.
As you’ve probably guessed, I’m newly in recovery. If you think the stage-mother character played by Barbara Hershey in 2010’s Academy Award winning Black Swan was overbearing, you haven’t been to a minor lacrosse or hockey game. I have (ahem). And it’s a sickness, I tell you.
Over the years, more than a time or two I’ve been swept up by the plague. For some, it manifests itself as acute hot-head big-mouth syndrome. For others, it’s backstabitis and rumourspreadosis. For me it was the virulent strain – keyboard-trumps-IQ disease.
It can be worse. I’ve seen a mother kick a child. The Finnish youngster was on the trip of a lifetime to participate in a youth sports tournament when he was assaulted by the stranger.
I’ve watched a dad with a stopwatch, timing play in recreational games of six and seven-year-olds in a bid to complain about uneven shifts.
I’ve observed parents who questioned and complained about every decision made by the adults in charge of their youngsters’ activities.
I know a volunteer coach who took stress leave from his paid job as a result of ongoing conflict heading a team of little kids.
I’ve seen moms and dads scream at their children from the sidelines, parents fighting in the stands, preschool-aged siblings forced to sit still – past bedtime, in oppressive heat – because both parents would not tolerate being interrupted while watching a children’s practice.
I’ve witnessed a parent who was convinced a child had that special spark to become a star. The tot was not yet in kindergarten.
I know of families who have moved addresses to pursue their own aspirations for their kids in sports and others who have switched leagues and clubs and organizations because the adult bickering was intolerable.
Friendships have been severed, reputations tattered, relationships ruined and kids crushed because of the inability of adults to leave the kids alone to play. Poison? Assault? Manslaughter? It has all happened on the sidelines of kids’ sports.
Parent volunteers are the backbone of countless youth activities, but all too often other parents assume unassigned roles as “backseat” officials.
A destructive habit that’s pervasive in kidland, it can spoil anything and everything from gymnastics to Duffer Doo. Together we need to end it now – for kids’ sake.
I’ve made a start. A few weeks ago, I drove my offspring to a leisure complex and, after handing over the cheque, I drove away – knowing he would be fine in my absence. Days ago, I dropped him off for sports tryouts and I left. He’s happy and, shaking aside, I’m recovering nicely.
Please join me. For this new year, let’s commit to setting some healthy new boundaries.
RESOLUTIONS
1. I will not hijack my child’s playtime.
2. I will cheer and speak positively. I will not criticize my child or criticize the play of any other child. I will not talk negatively in front of my child or coach him or her in the car. That’s not my role.
3. I will get a life. My child’s activities are not the basis for my social calendar.
4. I will not (Not NOT) disrespect the coach/instructor/teen volunteer who is trying to guide my youngster and his or her playmates.
5. I will observe the 24-hour rule. If I am concerned or upset about something that has transpired, I will wait 24 hours before discussing it with a coach/official/other living organism. That way, I will have calmed down and gained some perspective.
6. I will not live my dreams through my children. I had my chance. This is their time, not mine.
Pam Dillon is a home-based family manager, teen chauffeur and assistant to the canine princess. She works IRL as a writer/editor while contemplating life and happy dancing online at wratwrds.wordpress.com.
