Family expert Sara Dimerman is here to answer any questions you may have. If you need to submit a question, please email amotherworld@gmail.com.
Q: If I’m the only parent around, should I discipline other people’s kids?
A: Because you mention “If I’m the only parent around”, my answer is quite different to one that acknowledges the presence of other parents. So, yes, if there are no other parents or caregivers around such as when a child has come over to play with your child without another adult to supervise him or her, you may want to get involved if and when you see behaviour that may escalate.
Keep in mind, however, that you will be more limited in how you can discipline. For example, a time out or punishment would not be be appropriate. However, if your child’s playmate yanks a toy out of your child’s hands, then intervening by mentioning that grabbing is not okay and helping them come up with a way to work it out, would be appropriate.
If you are firm but fair and uphold consistent guidelines, then there is little risk of getting into hot water with the other child’s parents.
What I would also recommend is that when the child’s parents pick him or her up from your house, share what has taken place. If the parents hear what has happened from their child, they are less likely to appreciate your involvement and may be upset that you didn’t share the incident with them directly.
Some parents may even choose to ask for permission to discipline each other’s children. This even further reduces the risk of any negative consequences that may arise from disciplining another person’s child.
Sara Dimerman is a psychologist in the Toronto area who has provided counselling to individuals, couples and families for more than twenty-five years. She is the author of four books – two for parents and two for couples – the most recent of which is “Why Married Couples Don’t have Sex….at least not with each other!” and is a columnist and podcast producer/host for sites and print media across North America and internationally. She is a regular guest on radio and television and is interviewed frequently for articles online, in newspapers and magazines. Sara is married and has two daughters. Visit Sara‘s website: www.helpmesara.com or follow her on Twitter @helpmesara.
9 Comments
All true, but I wouldn’t hesitate to discipline someone else’s kid if I were at the park and they were doing something dangerous or rude, etc. For example I caught this kid who was probably 7 or 8 and should have known better, peeing off a rock into the sand below (where kids could have been playing) I yelled at him to knock it off and to use the restroom if he had to go. Or if someone is pushing other kids around I wouldn’t hesitate to say something to the kid if the parent didn’t see it happen. I am of the view that it takes a village and I can’t be everyone at once. So if someone needs to gentle remind my kid that what he is doing is bad, then I’m all for it.
I agree whole-heartedly. I like to give other’s permission to discipline my kids so they feel more comfortable about it. I think it is good for kids to be disciplined by others. If all the other moms seem submissive and nice then they think their own mom is just mean and too strict.
i totally agree with the other comments. It does take a village and basic rules, like not putting yourself or others in danger should be enforced by whoever is present so that kids realize that stuff is consistently not ok. The tough thing though is when a parent is standing right there and doesn’t discipline their own kid.
Absolutely! What do you do then? I guess you have to bite your lip and hope that parent will discipline their child later?
We’re a society so discipline and disciplining is part of that I feel.
This is such a tough topic and one I have struggles with while my kids are out playing. Many times I need to step in because a child is hurting or being unfair to other kids. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but sometime little ones need correcting. I have always just tried to usher my kids away from the trouble maker so I can just avoid the whole situation.
I agree with you. If another parent isn’t around, of course you should step in, and I do. I’ve had situations before where something has happened, but then I hear about it from my child rather than the other parent. I’d appreciate being told by the parent first-hand.
Great post – I am not a parent, but from a teacher’s perspective, I would advise the same. It’s important to mention any incidents that go on to the child’s parent when they pick up their child.
Great post and great blog, I love it 🙂
This is such a great answer. My husband and I don’t have any children yet, but we’re in the process of becoming foster parents. We would only have age 3 and below, and only the foster parents can discipline, so I wouldn’t want my child learning to get away with whatever they want if we’re not around! I guess we’ll Figure it out as we go!
Amanda | thedeerandthewolf.com