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Should You Discipline Other People's Kids?
parenting

Should You Discipline Other People’s Kids?

Family expert Sara Dimerman is here to answer any questions you may have. If you need to submit a question, please email amotherworld@gmail.com.  

Q: If I’m the only parent around, should I discipline other people’s kids?

A: Because you mention “If I’m the only parent around”, my answer is quite different to one that acknowledges the presence of other parents. So, yes, if there are no other parents or caregivers around such as when a child has come over to play with your child without another adult to supervise him or her, you may want to get involved if and when you see behaviour that may escalate.

Keep in mind, however, that you will be more limited in how you can discipline. For example, a time out or punishment would not be be appropriate. However, if your child’s playmate yanks a toy out of your child’s hands, then intervening by mentioning that grabbing is not okay and helping them come up with a way to work it out, would be appropriate.

If you are firm but fair and uphold consistent guidelines, then there is little risk of getting into hot water with the other child’s parents.

What I would also recommend is that when the child’s parents pick him or her up from your house, share what has taken place. If the parents hear what has happened from their child, they are less likely to appreciate your involvement and may be upset that you didn’t share the incident with them directly.

Some parents may even choose to ask for permission to discipline each other’s children. This even further reduces the risk of any negative consequences that may arise from disciplining another person’s child.

Should You Discipline Other People's Kids

 

Sara DimermanSara Dimerman is a psychologist in the Toronto area who has provided counselling to individuals, couples and families for more than twenty-five years. She is the author of four books – two for parents and two for couples – the most recent of which is “Why Married Couples Don’t have Sex….at least not with each other!” and is a columnist and podcast producer/host for sites and print media across North America and internationally. She is a regular guest on radio and television and is interviewed frequently for articles online, in newspapers and magazines. Sara is married and has two daughters. Visit Sara‘s website: www.helpmesara.com or follow her on Twitter @helpmesara.

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parenting

Should You Discipline Another Parent’s Child?

Whether you’re at the playground and some other kid gets out of hand, or you’re supervising a playdate – do you intervene and discipline when the other child behaves badly?

On the Today Show, the question was posed: should you discipline another parent’s child?

It sure happens. How do you deal?  How would you or do you handle it when the other child is out of hand?

One expert, Ian Kerner, said it’s okay to discipline someone else’s child.  “You have to intervene on behalf of the children involved,” he says.

He believes in the three Fs method: be firm with the child; be fair to the child’s parent or caregiver; and, whatever you do, don’t freak out.  If for example, the other child is aggressive, you should use a firm tone of voice to stop the situation, like saying “hey!”  After that, explain to the parents what happened in a calm tone.   

“I’ve learned that while I can be firm with another parent’s child, I can’t change their parenting style,” he says. “It can be frustrating, but it’s better for you to put yourself and your child in safe situations rather than toxic ones.”

Susan Swimmer says it’s not okay to discipline someone else’s child.  She says when it comes to other kids under the age of 10, it’s not your job or your business to correct their behaviour.

Unless the situation is dangerous, she believes that you should defer to the parents or caregivers of the child causing problems.  “You’re big and they’re small and you are a stranger,” she says.  The parents of the child should be the one to explain to the child what went wrong.

Also, she says, “If you don’t like how a kid is behaving, take YOUR kid out of the situation.”   Swimmer’s message to parents who aren’t disciplining their own kids: “They’re your kids, you need to MOM UP and do the job. Don’t rely on others to do what you should do.”

 What do you think?  Should you discipline another’s child?

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