my kids fight all the time

Siblings

Let’s face it: siblings are going to be siblings. Since Cain and Abel, siblings haven’t seen eye to eye from time to time, and there has been (hopefully less drastic than the aforementioned) evidence of that playing out in real time in your living room. There are toys that they want to play with that someone else has. A special plate that everyone wants to use, but only one can each off of. There is a TV remote at stake here. Siblings squabble over turf, and it is just a fact of life.

They want attention

A child who wants attention, either from you or from their sibling, goes about it in different ways. One of those ways is finding a child who is happily playing, and pushing him off of the couch. Got her attention, didn’t it? The only problem is, now the once-peaceful child has a sore butt and a disrupted whatever she was doing. Hence, screaming, fighting and hair pulling.

It can also demand your attention as the cries of injustice are certain to pull you from wherever in the house you were to find out what exactly was going on. More attention. See, children don’t always care if it is positive or negative, they want what they want, and that’s that. Grin and bear it, mom. Sometimes they just want the undivided attention of EVERYONE and the best way to do that is to be the squeaky wheel.

Stress Reliever

Surprisingly, children also argue because they are just a little bit stressed out. According to this article from The Washington Parent, children sometimes fight with their siblings because they feel safer. After all, your friends and neighbors aren’t obligated to be nice to you, but you know who is? Your big brother. If not, Mom might come and lay down the law. When you have backup, it is a lot easier to express your displeasure over someone using the pink blanket when they know you prefer that one.

Solutions

Here’s the part you’ve been waiting for: what do I do? Well, according to the experts, nothing. That’s right. Let them fight it out. According to this article by Psychology Today, it is best to stay calm, relax, and let them sort it out themselves. Allowing children to fight it out allows them to develop problem solving skills, manage tricky emotions, and prepares them for the real world conflict they will one day face away from your home. AKA, unless they are getting out of control, you get to stay out of it. I bet you’d spend your whole summer as a referee, huh?

In short, siblings fighting is not only normal, it is a healthy part of their development. You might be sick of hearing them shriek and torment each other, but they’re learning life skills. That’s what it is really all about, right? Now grab some noise canceling headphones, and enjoy the rest of summer break without worrying.

Will My Kids Ever Stop Fighting? amotherworld.com

Do your children argue? How would you describe their fighting?

Cats and dogs? Tigers and bears?

The question is – why but why?!?

Q: Why do my kids fight all the time?

A: Dr. G: Siblings fight for three reasons. Familiarity, competition and safety.

Familiarity.

There is an old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. It is certainly true that siblings often express contempt for each other. Brothers and sisters do not find any topic to be off limits. They will insult each others’ clothes, friends, words, hobbies. Truly nothing is off limits without parental intervention.

The flip side of this scrutiny is often (grudging) respect. Kids know, even if they don’t voice it, all of the great qualities in their siblings. The admiration often turns to envy, though, and that makes the next issue worse.

Competition.

Siblings feel the need to compete about nearly everything! In my house I have heard the words “I can pee faster than you!” and “the door on my room is crookeder than yours!” The drive to compete is inborn, and parents can guide it but we’ll never get rid of it entirely.

Children use competition to figure out their strengths and weaknesses and to learn life skills. Through their endless games and races and comparisons, they realize that not everyone is great at everything. They learn to improve what is important to them and to focus on their strengths. They discover strategy.

This competition, mixed with familiarity, has other advantages! Siblings act as reality checks for each other. When one’s clothes or words or behavior are socially unacceptable, a sibling will not hesitate for a second to say so. “You’re not wearing *that* are you?” “Don’t pick your nose, it’s disgusting and you’ll have no friends.” “When you laugh like that you sound like an idiot.”

Safety.

When children here these messages from friends, it can ruin the friendship. The sibling relationship is permanent. The certainty of family can increase the fighting. For the same reasons that kids’ behavior is often worse at home than anywhere else, sibling relationships are often where kids let loose with their most negative emotions.

This is a picture of what our kids will do to each other if parents don’t take a guiding hand. Just because behaviors are developmentally normal doesn’t mean they are acceptable! As we correct our toddlers when they hit and bite, we can teach our children that they owe each other respect.

If kids are raised in a home where criticism is offered measured with kindness, and name-calling is not allowed, then the fighting will take a more reasonable tone.

Our children are more familiar with each other than with anyone else in the world. They will compete, to one degree or another, for years. It is up to us as parents to make sure that home is truly a safe place. We needn’t intervene in every disagreement. We must, however, insist on a baseline of respect from each person to every other.

What our kids do and what they say is more important than how they feel. With this truth in mind, we can create a cushion of respectful behavior. Then we can allow the natural familiarity and competition to form our kids into the great adults they can become!

Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website.