funny mummy kathy buckworth

parenting

Mother May I? A Guide To Help Parents Make Real (Funny) Decisions

May 27, 2011

by Kathy Buckworth

Who remembers the game Mother May I? By simply asking this polite little question, the “Mother” of the game would allow her “children” to take baby steps, giant steps, even sideways steps in an attempt to get to the front of the room and win the opportunity to be Mom.

But is being Mom really “winning”? Even in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word? And what’s better? Having Tiger Blood or being a Tiger Mom who controls every step her babies take? It’s hard to know whether or not to let our kids take steps big or little or even those ones that careen off sideways or diagonally (“No, sweetie, I don’t think building a own bike ramp out of Dad’s snowboard was a good idea.”). Sometimes we just have to let them think they’re moving upwards and onwards, while we continue to protect their interests and still forming skulls.

Here’s a handy guide I put together which might help you sort through the May-I-Maybe-Maybe Not decisions, which will make them think they’re going one step forward, instead of two steps back:

• May I just eat dessert? Of course! Oh, you mean today? No. But when you’re an adult and every spoonful of pudding goes straight to your thighs, as long as you have your stretchy pants on , go ahead!

• May I not wear a helmet? Absolutely! But wait are you going to ride your bike? Then yes. I thought you meant in order to get past your tantruming brother in the front hallway. He’s only three feet tall so his fists can’t reach your head. You’re good there.

• May I wear this to school? Why not? Oh shoot. I just remembered. We forgot to send your enrolment into the Royal Academy for Stains and Crud so that uniform just isn’t going to work at regular school I’m afraid.

• May I punch my brother? I would! In fact, I often did. Have I ever shown you the cute scar he gave me on “Now I’m Bigger Than My Sister Day”?

• May I borrow your smartphone? Here you go. I’ll just kill time on your Facebook page here. That I have access to. Always have. Always will. What, done already?

• May I stay up late? Yes. In fact, let’s all stay up late. It’s about time we figured out trigonometry as a family. Honey, you get the slide rules and I’ll get the timer.

• May I get down from the dinner table? You can not only get down from it, you can take all the dishes with you. They want to “get down” with the dishwasher.

• May I skip visiting Granny? Not a chance. We’re all in this one together. (I can only go so far with these.)

Kathy Buckworth’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” is available everywhere. Read “Funny Mummy” every month. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com and follow Kathy on Twitter.

parenting

When Mom Is Sick

April 18, 2011

That’s sick, dude.

If it were possible to impale oneself on a tiny, plastic sword, I would have done it sometime during hour two of playing Lego Pirates. Normally I can take this type of torture, but as my son and I struggled through a joint day of flu-like conditions, I was ready for an easier way out.

While kids love the idea of being sick and missing school, for Moms it is a bit of a lose/lose. Unless that low-grade fever hits the day we’re supposed to head for our in-laws for a special family dinner, it’s hard to find a good time to be sick. Children loathe being sick on a weekend, of course, as it seems like such a waste when they could be getting out of early Monday morning Grade 9 Geography. But if you’re a stay at home Mom (or work from home, like I do)…this is the BEST time to be sick.

During the week if you’re sick, and the kids aren’t old enough to go to school, you’re usually stuck “managing” them from the couch as you shuffle through all of the same duties you normally have. If they’re older, and you’re lucky enough to send them all merrily off to school, it’s still hard not to feel guilty about the laundry not being done, the dinner not being prepared, while the unreturned phone calls and unwritten reports silently nag you, as the house returns to its normal bomb-blast state. And when the kids and Dad arrive on the doorstep at the end of the day, at least one of them (usually the tall one) will wonder aloud what the heck you’ve been doing all day, because you seem fine now.

My advice is to do what the kids do – and fake it when it works for you – to make up for the days that you’re really sick and you don’t get to BE sick. Spring it on a Saturday morning…just before the rounds of hockey practice, dance class, grocery shopping, birthday party attending and general chauffeuring of children begins. Write up a list for Dad to follow (here’s a hint – if you tell him to drop a kid at a birthday party for two hours, it is VERY important to tell him to also go back and pick up the same kid), tell the kids they have to be Daddy’s helper (just like they’re Mommy’s helpers during the week. No, say it like it actually happens.) , and lay back and listen to the dulcet tones of Dad saying:

“What do you mean it’s your turn to bring snack to hockey? What does that mean? Can we take a box of cereal? What…and a drink? Grab that bag of milk.”

“Where’s the card for this gift. You usually make one? We don’t have time – let’s just make sure to yell out our name when they open it up. They don’t open them in front of everyone?”

“Sure you can wear your “indoor shoes”, whatever that is. You’re going to be indoors at the indoor playground after we get through the slushy parking lot, aren’t you?”

“You’re hungry? Don’t you get your own breakfast? You’re four, right?”

“We have to pick up who? Do I know this kid? Is he the one who bites?”

“Your mother promised to do pottery painting this afternoon? Hmm…I heard that place burned down last week.”

“What do you kids want for dinner? It’s special night with Daddy so you get fast food. I know Mom doesn’t allow it, but we won’t tell her.”

Let them get away with it. Find a room with a door with a lock on it – one that can’t be picked with a tiny plastic sword – and enjoy your siiiick day.

Kathy Buckworth’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” is available everywhere. Read “Funny Mummy” every month. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com and follow Kathy on Twitter.

Motherhood

Hand Model by Funny Mummy Kathy Buckworth

January 11, 2011

by Kathy Buckworth

There’s a new product on the market called “Pump Gloves” which are designed to protect our delicate hands from having to hold onto a filthy pump handle at the gas station. If sales of hand sanitizer are anything to go by, the concern about passing on nasty germs has never been higher, and now it seems the return of gloves and introduction of special hand covers is imminent.

Naturally I can’t help but reflect back on a Seinfeld episode where George discovered himself becoming an unlikely hand model and walked around the streets of NYC with his oven mitts on to protect his future. As a mother of four, I have to tell you that there are many times I have wished I had some sort of hand covering, be it old fashioned oven mitt or newfangled Pump Glove, that would give me and my hands some protection from the constant barrage of bugs, bodily fluids and other assorted disgusting materials we’re forced to handle in the course of a regular parenting day. I’m thinking that the following would be an instant hit:

PalmPoopyProtectors: For those times you’re on your last diaper, you open it up to discover there’s a piece you could palm into the closest trash can and keep going with the same diaper. Built in scooping action makes for easy transference.

Digit-DigIt-Out: If you’ve had a newborn, you’ve picked its nose. Tip coverings for those times when they’re just not cute enough to do it without protection.

FaceIt Finger Flicks: Your two year old has a cold. They napped, but the fluids from their nose didn’t. And now it has dried on to their cheeks. Flick it off with this spongy shovel which straps on to the end of your now protected forefinger.

Wouldn’t It Be Glove-ly: You arrive at your in-laws for dinner only to discover that your child’s fingernails are longer and dirtier than Beetlejuice’s. A quick fix with these thin child size gloves that mimic a clean, well-manicured hand, to slip on before dinner and before anyone notices.

MovieMittens: A tiny built in TV screen turns the palm of your hand into an instant source of video entertainment for your bored child at church, school concerts, doctor’s offices and more. Finger to finger speakers sold separately.

Hand Holder Helper: They want to hold your hand. They have to hold your hand. But what on earth is on that hand? It’s sticky and brown and eww some green and oh great there are cars going by and you grab it. But if you have your Hand Holder Helper, junior is sliding his hand into one side and you into the other, like an old fashioned fur muff. But it has a divider to keep what belongs to him, to him.

Mama ‘Minder Mitts: I have about fourteen stops to make this morning but I can’t remember about twelve of them. Oh wait – look – a handy reminder paper pad built right into the Back of my Hand in my new ‘Minder Mitts. Comes with mini-pen for easy writing accessibility. Can be adapted for BlackBerry or iPhone insertion.

That’s all I have for right now, but I’m working on the Martini MittMaster too. Back to testing that one now. Thumbs up.

Kathy Buckworth‘s latest book is “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay”, and is available everywhere books are sold. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com or follow Kathy on Twitter.