I received an invite in the mail the other day to a family wedding – an “adult only” wedding reception. I put it out there on Twitter to see what other people’s opinions are and what a response I received!
Most of the parents who responded said that they were just fine with it. But a few replied that they wouldn’t attend if they couldn’t bring their kids.
Some couples don’t want children to attend their wedding reception. Why? Reasons can range from trying to lower costs by trimming wedding guests from the list, to simply not wanting to put up with potential crying or hyperactivity.
The debate on this topic can get pretty ugly. Some people argue that it is rude and improper to exclude the younger members of a family that is on the wedding guest list. Some insist that a wedding is all about family and the circle of life, and that eliminating children from attendance at the wedding is therefore inappropriate.
At the end of it all, a wedding is the bride and groom’s day and it’s up to them.
The best wording to use on an invite, to avoid offending anyone, is to have “Adults Only Reception” or “Adult Reception” printed along with the reception location and time on the invitation.
The other rule is, if you are excluding some children, the rule is that you must exclude all children. There must not be different rules for different people or some individuals will be deeply offended and hurt – and rightly so. The only possible exception to this would be any children who are in the wedding party.
But the jury is out even in this area. While some etiquette experts feel that it may be alright to make this exception, there is a stronger belief that if the reception is to be adults only, no children should be included as part of the wedding party.
Who knew a simple invitation would cause such a stir?
What do you think – is an adult only reception cool or uncool?
P.S. We are not going to this wedding because we don’t have a sitter.
29 Comments
We didn’t have any kids at our wedding, our cut off was 16. My husband and I are both from huge families and it just would have been ridiculous. We also didn’t have any kids in our wedding party. A good time was had by all 🙂
I wouldn’t have a problem with it..some receptions are bawdy affairs and some venues are just inappropriate for kids…I’ve been to weddings where they provided babysitters and “camp” type activities for the youngsters… But I understand some folks being upset too..just doesn’t seem all that gracious ….esp if some people think of weddings as “family affairs” mingling of families usually involves children… but well…. long as I can bring Alice (my tiny dog) jk!! xoxo
I think the propriety of it is circumstantial. Any combination of factors can make the inclusion of children difficult or impossible for those hosting the wedding — such as venue guest limits, budget limitations, etc. — or even a bad idea for the kids — such as the likelihood of rowdy, drunken behavior, a dangerous setting (more often an issue with outdoor receptions), etc. I do agree that any age limits set should apply to everyone — the only possible exception is children IN the wedding party, and that’s only if the reason for the generally applied age limit had more to do with the limitations of the wedding hosts than the well-being of the children.
I also think while it’s appropriate to accept an adults-only event (or part of the event) in certain situations, without ill-will, it is also appropriate to accept negative RSVPs from some of the parents among those adults, without ill-will. If you restrict children from an event, you have to accept that many of their parents will have to hold themselves back from the event, whether or not they hold it against you that their children weren’t invited. A big event in your life does not mean that everyone else’s life changes for that day. Sometimes, it can’t.
Yes, if parents choose not to attend because of not being able to bring kids, then bride and groom must respect that decision as well.
Admin, I totally agree.
I do feel however that sometimes a parent takes offense to the exclusion of children and default to not going out of spite… not cool.
It is the bride and grooms wedding so their choice. If they don’t want kids at the wedding so be it. You are not paying for it so respect their wishes.
Ultimately, I feel it’s the couple’s decision. They have a vision of their day, and it may not include kids on the dance floor or planning a child’s menu choice. A nice gesture, however, could be to find and/or pay for babysitters during the festivities. I did this.
I love this idea!
My son was specifically excluded from a wedding and a reception because of his ADHD. There were a lot of kids running amok at the reception. That really hurt.
Oh wow, THAT is not right.
I don’t have a problem with excluding kids from a wedding as long as there’s a set rule.
When my cousin got married to his wife, they said they didn’t want kids, but their kid was there. That wouldn’t have been such a big deal if he didn’t have friends in tow. To top it off, my cousin-in-law spent quite a bit of time one evening telling my daughter (5) how pretty the flowers and her dress were going to be. What a tease!
Obviously the people who have no problem with children not being invited to a family wedding have not had children yet. Of course it is rude to not invite family members because of thier age! The problem is parents are not parenting and controlling them with appropiate behavior at the event. Certainly if people can get drunk and act a fool with childish behavior at a wedding, then why not allow those who fit the age to be called a child to come.
All in all it is offensive to the family member who has children
It’s something that can be a touchy subject. Some people are very passionate about their opinions and their kids. In the end, it’s the decision of the people having the wedding, so if that’s what they want, people have to either respect their wishes, or simply not attend.
My son is 7 and excluded from the ONLY event where he can see his relatives (and they him) since most of our family lives in the Northeast but are coming in for the webbing of my niece. I am VERY angry about his not being invited, so much so that I might not attend.
Emily, I totally understand that you want your 7 year old exposed to family events. However, family togetherness is a benefit of a wedding and not the purpose of the event. The purpose of the event is that of the wedding of your niece and her fiance. If she wants an adult only reception you should just be a good aunt and understand.
We decided to have a kid free reception as well. At the time, not many of our friends had kids and we were having an afternoon cocktail reception at a very upscale location. I didn’t feel it was the right place for kids to be running around. I also wanted all of our kid-free guests to enjoy their time with us. Everyone was fine with it with the exception of my sister who let me know clearly how she felt! But, at the end of the day, it was our wedding and we were very happy with how things turned out! Now that I have a child of my own, I would welcome an opportunity to have a night out with my husband, without our child!
My reception was a cocktail party at a small venue that started at 8pm. It was totally inappropriate for children and while we didn’t exclude them specifically, to the ONE person who asked if her child could come we explained that it probably wasn’t the best idea to bring her son to such a function.
Frankly I don’t want to bring my toddler to a wedding. It means I have to keep her on a short leash and spend most of the time on pins and needles hoping she behaves. That’s not fun for me OR her, she’d be happier at home with a trusted sitter, food she likes and her toys. Were I to receive an invite excluding children I would find a sitter and carry on with my day. It’s none of my business who gets invited to someone else’s party, and I certainly wouldn’t get bent out of shape about her exclusion.
As a mother of six, I have absolutely no problem with kids not being invited, though it would sometimes mean not going to an event for us. Especially when I have a nursing babe. I have also been to many family weddings where the only children invited were family (including ours). Other guests’ children were not invited – not sure what I think of that.
The whole thing can be rather sticky, especially with out-of-town guests and family. I do think that either enlisting babysitters in a separate area or having a family-friendly event, like a gift-opening or something would ensure that all those family members who rarely see each other would have a chance to visit, and exclaim over how big the children have gotten. After all, what childhood is complete without some over-perfumed great-aunt pinching your cheeks and overhearing a half-drunk uncle telling bawdy jokes.
The problem comes when you have a bride and/or groom who wants the flower girl and the ring bearer, but who doesn’t want any other kids there. That tends to create hard feelings. When my cousin got married many, many years ago, she wanted my younger sister to be her flower girl, but did not want me at her wedding. Her mother and my mother ganged up on her and she had to change her position.
The irony is ten years later-ish, my cousin insisted that her children be the flower girl and ring bearer in my wedding after my husband and I had agreed that we wanted no children in the wedding or at the ceremony. This time I got strong armed by the mothers and so we did have children in our wedding. It turned out that they were adorable and we had great fun with them, but man, did it cause a ruckus beforehand.
how will children know what weddings mean if they never go? Hell when I was a
Child that was how I met all my cousins. People r take the whole picture of family how of it. Wait till they have kids they will understand. Stop blaming it on money. Hell kids need to have fun with there relatives. This is what’s wrong with America family values. A**holes
I’m a traditionalist and feel that weddings are a family event and that kids should not be excluded. However, we were invited to a family wedding and the bride does not want kids there, except for the ones in the wedding. My son is my world and I do everything with him..I am upset that he is not invited, but I do respect the brides wishes…however my family is probably skipping the reception since we all can’t be there…Will the bride be upset?
I am recently engaged and my fiance and I decided on not having kids at the recpetion. However we want our neices and nephews a total of 5 all under 6 at the time of the reception to be in the wedding party. My sister (3 kids under 6) was all for it and didn’t say a word. My future sister in law (2 kids under 4) was not at all easy about. She complained about not having a baby siter and how it isnt fair they are spending the entire day (and money) together and then at 7 pm being forced to go home. Stating that if the kid cries and wants her to go with her she wont stay at our wedding. So she then said that if they aren’t allowed to stay, then they probably wont be allowed in the wedding party.
Am I wrong for not wanting to budge?
It’s very difficult… at the end of the day, it is your wedding so you must be happy. If they have to leave early because of their kids, you can’t be upset with them either, know what I mean?
Wow… this HAS caused quite a flurry!! I personally think kids add to a reception… BUT if they get tired and bothersome… take them home – good old common sense!
If tho invited to a non-kid day out… I say grab it and enjoy!!
This just came up for us as a family for the first time, and I don’t like the idea of it at all. It’s true that these days weddings are less and less about family for some people, and more and more about individuality and wanting things to be a certain way (e.g., quiet, “perfect,” adult-only, or whatever the “ideal”). But I disagree with this approach and would encourage folks to remember what the hey a wedding is about: bringing *families* together to celebrate the joining of the two *families*—not just the two individuals, but the whole families. Besides, kids keep things real! They just do. I wouldn’t want to be at a wedding without an occasional toddler outburst. This is life, and it’s beautiful, and it’s what weddings are all about. 🙂
It is very hard to go to a wedding out of town without kids if one is under the age of 1. We were invited to multiple weddings this summer with a nursing infant out of town and might have to sadly skip them because our baby is not invited! I think that if people want to have kid free weddings they should have onsite childcare offered. I had many kids at my wedding and they were adorable!
So silly to think that an baby wouldn’t be welcome at a wedding. Oh well, at least you’re saving money by not going!
It’s their decision, however it sounds rude and insensitive (kids are not dogs that you can just leave them at home). I would rather not be invited to a no-kids wedding.