Lately my boys have been a little obsessed about the D word.
The other night, my almost five-year-old started crying and said, “I don’t want you to die… Mommy what happens when we die?”
Oh boy. How do I answer? How much do I tell them?
Right before bed, he will often ask: “Will we die when we’re 100?”
He’ll also say, “You are going to die before me!”
And then the tears start to flow.
I usually let out a big sigh because I honestly don’t know how best to answer. I can’t avoid the question completely but I don’t want to say too much either.
“Honey you don’t have to think about that for a long time,” I say, hugging my boys ever so tightly.
But the questions keep coming. From my seven-year-old as well.
“When we die we’ll still be in our house?”
“Will we all be together in the cemetery?”
“Will we come back as ghosts?”
I hate having to answer these questions but know that I must address them simply.
So how do you explain death to your younger child?
It’s normal for your child to ask about death even if he/she hasn’t yet lost someone. It’s actually better to discuss it before losing a loved one. So answer his/her questions about death. Story books might help explain it better.
Younger kids probably can’t handle too much information all at once. For example, explaining that the physical functions have stopped might be better understood. “Aunt Maggie was very very sick and now that she has died, her body has stopped working. She doesn’t eat, sleep or breathe anymore.”
When they ask when they will die, a good answer might be: “No one really knows exactly when we will die, but most of us live a very long time. I am sure you will live to be very old.”
Explaining death and the afterlife will of course depend on what you believe in. If you talk about heaven, you may have to be careful about how you explain it. My son asked, “so we’ll all be happier in heaven?”
Oh boy.
“Well honey, when we die, our spirit lives on forever and ever. We’ll always be together and we’ll always be happy and dancing and playing.” Is this the right thing to say?
Kids want to hear that they will always be with their parents, no matter what. So you could say, “I plan to be right here with you until I’m very, very old and you’re all grown up.”
What if they’ve lost a loved one?
“We’re so sad that Uncle Jim isn’t here with us and we’ll miss him very much, but it’s nice that he’s with God now,” might be a good way to reassure your child without adding to his worries.
My kids have been asking me these difficult questions for months now, and I’ve realized that they will continue to ask much more for a long time. From what I’ve researched, children will likely ask new questions as they become more aware of death. These ongoing questions are normal and it’s best to keep answering them.
9 Comments
This is really well done, mom. My kids have experienced a lot of death, unfortunately. It’s not so bad now that they’re older, but I think the more you talk openly (and comfortingly) about it, the better. : )
Sorry to hear that your kids have had to go through difficult times. Glad to hear that talking about it has helped.
This has been a hot topic in our house too, since my kids lost their grandpa (for my two, the only one they’ve known and for my stepson, the only one he is close to) just before Christmas. The funeral home provided a “children’s book” that was supposed to be helpful and in which they could colour pictures, but it didn’t help at all! I think what you’re saying to your kids is right on. What I did find to be helpful under the circumstance of actually losing a loved one was the book “Waterbugs and Dragonflies” that was read at the service and gifted to us by the reverend. A good way to explain to kids – and a good point of view for adults to consider, too.
Thanks for the recommendation, Dawn. I’m sorry about your loss; must be such a difficult time. xo
This is awesome and SUCH a needed topic. All kids are different and deal with it in different ways. SO hard for their little minds to comprehend. 🙁
Oh dear, and here I thought it would be a one-time thing. I suppose I really should do my research on how to soften the blow of some of these responses. Truth is important, but so is delivery. Thank you for your tips here – I really liked how you handled it.
Thank you Justine, I hope I said the right things. I can only say what feels right to me.
My mother brought all seven of her children to funerals through the years. Growing up that way, I too have brought the kid to funerals. She’s been to a few funerals (the youngest she went at 1 1/2 – family friends or family. For me it shows her that death is a part of life through a world wide custom. Quite a few people think like I do with this and have brought their children to funerals.
Though the kid must have been about 4 when my husband told me this story. The kid is actually our second child. We lost our first. DH kept a picture of our first on his dresser along with a few other pics of family. DD went in pointing out faces, “That’s my cousin. That’s my other cousin, That’s me. That’s mommy. That’s me”.
(imagine the tone of a argument between an adult and a four year old and then precede to read LOL )
DH: Uh…that’s not you. (I swear they were identical at birth)
DD: No it’s me.
DH: No it’s not.
DD: Yes it is.
DH: Noooo.
DD: Whoooooooo?
DH said to me later he wasn’t sure how to tell a 4 year old about still births. So he just said this, “Mommy and Daddy love each other. Before you we had another baby. But he died and he went to heaven.”
DD looked at him and stated, “Can I have a minute?” DH was totally stupefied by this request.
He left for a couple of minutes. When he came in and she had the picture in her hands looking with tears falling down her face. He gently asked what was wrong. “I have a brother. But I can’t play with him.”
DH: “You’re lucky though. Not a lot of people know who exactly their guardian angel is”.
For me I blubbering idiot when I got home and he told me this story.
It showed me though she understood the concept (for a four year old), that death means gone.
She’s now 12, and has gone through more grief from life. But I think we’ve done ok as just as when she was little we talk and keep the lines open for any questions 🙂
Totally gonna hate it when she hits high school and thinks her parents don’t have the answers anymore LOL.
Wow thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry about your loss – you’re right about guardian angel and I believe they exist and watch over us. It’s incredible how kids are able to understand and accept that death is a part of life, when you talk about it openly with them.