by an Anonymous Mom

Be warned, this is a little rant.  Thank goodness it’s anonymous because I wouldn’t want anyone in my family to know how I really feel.

I resent my husband sometimes.  Okay all the time.  I bite my tongue sometimes in order to keep a happy household but there are many times when I can be a complete, mean bitch.

While I work a full-time job, I also end up doing many of the household chores too. Because I get home earlier from my job than he does, I end up being the one to make dinner, clean up and do homework with my older kids and get my toddler ready for bed.

I often am the one to get the kids ready for bed too, bathing them, reading to them.  So realistically by the time I’m finished everything that I have to do in order to keep my house running normally, I am too damn exhausted to do anything else.

When he gets home from work, he eats a hot, home-cooked meal, takes a long hot shower, plays with the kids for a little while and then falls asleep.  Out like a fucking light.  Okay maybe he’ll make his own lunch but do you see where I’m getting at?

On the weekends, I’m too busy catching up with housework to relax and unwind.  In case you’re wondering “well why can’t he help on the weekends?” he does but he helps as much as I ask him to.  You see he’s good with taking instructions but I get tired of delegating.  Can’t he just figure it out all on his own? Do I have to show him what to do step by step?  It’d just be easier to do it myself.

He’s also busy taking care of the outside of the house too, I should be fair to say that. And when I do ask him to do something, he will do it. Whether or not he takes care of it right away or waits until later in the day, he doesn’t have an issue helping out when I ask.

I do become a little resentful that I am a working woman and yet I’m still do most of the work at home too.

I’m resentful that becoming a mother changed everything in my  life – my body, my career, my mom guilt – and yet did not change his lifestyle very much at all.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable but I can’t help but feel this way.  Nobody talks about this kind of stuff – I usually hear “oh my marriage is great” or “my husband is so helpful”.  Is it like this for everybody?

Why do some women get it so difficult while some men get off easily?  Is this a fair judgement? Maybe not.  Will I get over it?  I don’t know.  I know I have to in order to move on.  Right now I’m feeling overwhelmed by being a mother, a wife and a working woman.

Have you ever felt this way too?

 

Author

Maria Lianos-Carbone is the author of “Oh Baby! A Mom’s Self-Care Survival Guide for the First Year”, and publisher of amotherworld.com, a leading lifestyle blog for women.

133 Comments

  1. I think MOST men are like that… they sadly NEED written instructions. I recall leaving a list for my son once but didn’t put the sink full of dishes on it. I was pissed they were still there ask asked, WHY?!? Him: They weren’t on the list Mom?!? Duh – Men!!

  2. Honestly, if you’ve become a bitch, you have to stand back. What’s important now? Of course your toddler is. After that, the other children. Housework comes last in our home. I always say, if I have to do it all, don’t expect perfection because I refuse to stress over it. There are four people in teh house to make the mess and there’s four people in teh house to clean it up. I’m not a dog.

    My husband does the garbage and all outdoor things. Sometimes I will throw a basket of clothing on his favorite chair in his man den. He’ll do it and it doesn’t create a fight.

    I agree with Dianne. You need to create lists that not only includes you and your husband, but the whole family. Make it a Saturday routine that all hands are on deck.

    Just because your the lady of the house doesn’t mean that you hold all of the burdens. Everyone should be picking up after themselves in order to have minimal work at the end of the week.

    Easier said than done, so I just don’t stress over it anymore.

  3. This could be my name on your post – just substitute. Can’t tell you how much this was the most immovable and upsetting thing in our marriage. Now that our children are grown and our nest is emptying, it matters less. We have talked about it every way from Sunday. I’ve examined if I enabled by wanting to do things my way, wanting to appear like I could ‘manage it all’, being hyper efficient – I don’t know still how it could have worked any other way. But it sure seems unbalanced. And, like you, my hubs is willing to “help” and does all the outdoor work – but I’m not sure how it became mine with which to need help. Fundamentally, that remains my unanswered question. If it matters, our children were raised in a smooth functioning and happy home, our marriage survived strong on the basis of other more fundamental shared values and commitments, and I now have time to get pieces of my life beyond motherhood back. It still makes me angry and unsure about how this can change. So I totally get it and fewer things brought me greater frustration or anger. So, though I offer you no solution, I offer you a glimpse of “later” which I hope helps you some.

    • Maria (admin) Reply

      Thank you such honesty in your responses. I’m positive these will help the anon mom!

  4. MamaMadness Reply

    My husband doesn’t do ANYTHING without me having to tell him EVEN YARD WORK!! it’s absolutely ridiculous! it took me 5 years to just get him to empty the wastebaskets every night… oh and in the morning.. sometimes he takes dishes out.. uhhhh.. i’m so disgusted.. i hate this excuse that men are like that.. NO THEY ARE NOT! God did NOT program men to be like that.. we (women) are suppose to be THEIR helpers.. not the other way around… like someone mentioned above.. i’ve changed my whole lifestyle to accomodate this family.. and he’s done nothing.. he has it sooo good outside of me bitching… but that’s just cuase and effect. I’m just going to simply start ignoring him for the most part and just be civil with him around the kids and make him do his own laundry, dinners, etc… enough is enough.. i blame this on everyone that told me i was being to petty and too hard on him when we first go married.. uhh. no.. if i stuck to that, then maybe a lot of stuff would have become habitual for him then.i could rant about this alllll day.. it’s really hard to be Christian about it as well bc I want to serve people.. but like i told him this morning.. i think there is a difference between christian serving and being treated like a slave. he is a nice guy.. just dumb as hell and wish he would leave. Nice guys don’t finish last.. at all!!!

    • MamaMadness Reply

      oh and may I add… the lame excuse of working all day is such bs… if you weren’t married, buddy, then guess what.. you’d STILL be working.. AND you would have to do your own laundry, pick up your underwear (from time to time i’m sure) but nonetheless..still pick up.. clean sometimes.. cook, etc…men get married and they upgrade their life situation.. very few women get to do that.. we have to downgrade…almost everything.. then only upgrade we got in the long run is our kids.

    • A-F*uckin MEN!!!! Maybe my situation is different because I am a stay at home mom….but here me out. I go to school full time, deal with a HIGH maitenance toddler, and take care of the home completely by myself. It’s gotten to the point where my husband literally goes to work and comes home and sits on his ass. I guess he thinks that because he is the one that makes the money in the family, he doesn’t have to do anything else. He doesn’t spend time with my daughter and I unless I scream or break down and cry then he does for a week or so and then it’s back to his old ways. Recently I have been overwhelmed with school, trying to stay healthy, taking care of the household and managing my family. There has been so much to do without any help that by theend of the day I just go to bed (usually early like 7:30). He of course comes in and I wish I had known all this about him before I had married him…

  5. Ok, so we can all say at one point or another that this could be us, but honestly, you’re kind of getting what you deserve.
    I just totally don’t understand women that don’t want to tell their husbands how they really feel. Have you ever sat down and had an honest, non-combative talk with him about all this? Why do we expect men to a) read our minds b) do any more than they have to? Yes, it’s nice when they do it on their own, and mine actually does a lot of the time, but dude, if he only does what you ask, fine. Ask. For everything you need. And if he tells you that he’s sick of asking, have that talk with him again. And if he really, really won’t help take care of his house and his family? Then he’s an ass. Do you want to be with an ass?
    Can’t stand the victim mentality. Open your mouths, ladies.

    • I agree that a good chat with DH would be best. Some men need to be told what to do! LOL

  6. I very much know where each of you is coming from. Im Married an have three kids an my youngets is a year old. Im stuck with all the house work an cooking an tking care of the baby an doing for my two other children as well. Mean while my husband only takes out the trash an sits on his butt in front of the tv playing his x box. Im always the last one to eat dinner an take a shower because noone else ofers to help me out. I always have to stop what Im doing an do for everyone else. The only time that I get for myself is when I go to get a shower. The dishes will sit there until I do them . Because he says he doesnt like to do dishes. Well neither do I but Im stuck with them all the time. IT just really gets on my nerves. So I knwo how everyone of you ladies feel.

    • Thank you for sharing Kimberly. Delegate tasks so that everyone helps out!

      • Ive tried that. It will only work for a day are so an then it goes back like it is. Im just stuck with people that think that Im their slave. Im only here for one reason an thats to do everything for them. with notime to myself to do wht I wish to do.

  7. I am in the same situation. My husband will not do anything around the house, and when I ask he says I am nagging or bitching. He can ask me to fix him supper, bring him something to drink, etc. but when I ask him to pick up his clothes or wash the dishes, he gets mad. He literally comes home and sits on the recliner watching TV and does not get up until its time to go to bed. He wont even watch the kids (17 months old and 1 month old) long enough for me to take a shower… I have to do my stuff when I get everyone to bed, and then get up early to get the kids ready for day-care, and leave the house by 6am to drop them off and get to school on time….I am finishing up my last year of nursing school. When I come home I have research papers, test, and studying to do on top of household and family responsibilities. (When I start working at the hospital I wont be as stressed.) Cleaning takes up most of my time because no sooner than I get finished cleaning house, the next day it looks exactly the same. And, like someone mentioned above, I too spend my whole weekend doing house work (while husband goes fishing, hunting, or watches TV). Sometimes I think I would be better off without him… I don’t like feeling like a slave/maid in my own house.

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      I’m sorry to hear that you feel you’d be better off without him… Can you try marriage counselling?

    • I so understand and I feel exactly like you do. I have 2 kids 1 is 2months and 1 is 5months. I go to school full time. Currently on break so I picked up a part time job not only that I have lupus. I feel like a slave and very unappreciated. I’ve tried talking to him and when we talk it gets better for like 2 or 3 days then it’s back to were we started. I can’t keep feeling like this. I feel I can do better by myself with the kids. School,cooking,cleaning,part time job, infant and toddler lupus,husband He should be helping me out.

  8. Now I will give you the Male perspective. Although I do try to be as available as possible even after a hard day of work, it is often because my wife begs me in a very respectful way. Most men have an ego (especially in the home) that is bigger than the state of Texas. If you turn what you deem to be obligation into “extra credit” with apreciation at the end (“thank you sooooo much” goes along way and will feed his inflated ego as well. If he says no just give him time – maybe with a sweet quick “please” after a few minutes.
    If this doesn’t work, boost his ego some other way and I GAURANTEE it will start to work if not right away then after a week or two.

    • Hmm interesting… the problem is, women don’t want to have to “beg” for help. They want their husband to already know what to do. This is where I tell women – “delegate”! Some men are just not built to understand that you need help so just ask with a please and thank you. It’s the whole Mars vs. Venus thing. But you’re right about the ego – a little incentive might help.

  9. Here is the thing with my husband. He works 9-5, has 2 days a week off, and he thinks once he gets home he can just rest and do nothing. Especially he thinks because I work from home, he thinks it’s not a “real” job but more like a pleasure. So he thinks I need to take care of most stuff. My problem is that he never gives me any gifts, and I don’t want much – just a simple flower once a year would be nice, but If I tell him that he doesn’t react. Also I make more money and pay most of the rent, basically I can’t save anything because the rent is really expensive, he put around 10% into it and I pay the major part. I cook dinners in the evening, then wash dishes, dishwasher has been broken forever and none of us have time to take care of it, so I wash dishes all the time myself.
    He hopes that my business will start making more money so that he can quit his job and work for me, but he doesn’t want to help me now as for the business to grow I need people to help and he says he already has a job. Sometimes I say would be nice If he invited me for dinner and paid for it, he says it is 21 century and men doesn’t have to pay for the woman.
    With all that, he always says he loves me. I know he has a good personality and everything, but is the situation normal??? I don’t know, I feel like all my feelings are numb lately. He doesn’t want to have any children, he already has one grown kid from other woman. I am much yonger than him and have one kid, but want more with my husband but he says ne doesn’t want any as he doesn’t want to be financially stressed.
    Please somebody advise something, as I am really upset about the situation. And yes, since we got married, it was 3 years ago, I went only to one ladies night with my girlfriends as he doesn’t really like me going out, so all my great clothes are in the closet most of the time now and I dont’ wanna buy fancy stuff anymore, why, we don’t go anywhere…

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      Can you arrange a weekend getaway to rekindle the romance? Otherwise suggest counselling.

      • Fuck counseling! Her spouse is a lazy, selfish man. If she’s pulling all the weight in the relationship, what does she need him for? Sex, maybe? Even if they had gone out to dinner, she would be paying. That motherfucker won’t even buy her a flower. Yet, he voices that he loves her. Well I got news for you honey love is an action word. If for some reason she could no longer work from home, would he pay the bills? Or would they end up in a shelter? He’s a waste of time. And I hope you do not have children with this guy. You deserve a better man. Don’t ever waste time trying to change a ‘Grown Man’ stuck in his ways. Or sit around growing older while waiting for him to change. To him your not even worth a flower or any effort. Because if the relationship doesn’t work you will regret wasting your time with a selfish man, in the first place. Once your youth is gone, it’s gone. And the fact you can’t even save money because you basically pay all the bills, is scary. Focus on doing for you and tell him to do more or get the hell out your house!

  10. I hear you ladies. I m in same soup . I have tried everything talking, calmly explaining , showing physical exhaustion , being polite and quietly doing all the chores in the hopes of someone’s consciousness waking up, retaliating , fretting , crying. NOTHING HELPS! I have to do everything around the house, child care and my full time job. For my husband nothing matters. Weekends I have to plan activity for my 2 yr old take him to park, zoo etc without my husbands participation. I agree with the comment that my life downgraded and changed 360 after marriage and baby but his life has had no apparent change. And then he has the guts to say mean stuff if the dinner isn’t made or his clothes not laundry. Like I am a freaking slave. Once he tried to help coz he got sick of my “nagging” and did only his stuff like cooked only for him, did only his laundry . Seriously how about helping me and the baby?? Ladies seriously men aren’t stupid that we have to ASK them . If they can hold jobs, drive cars, invest in stocks, then housework should be a piece of cake! I think it’s laziness that is covered up by excuses like inflated ego and ” not realizing ” we need help!

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      Delegate tasks. Give him a list of things to do. If he doesn’t want to follow through, then suggest marriage counselling?

  11. OMG. This is so helpful. Tomorrow, i will be married 10 years and I need advice on the same topic. but, after reading this, i do feel worse. i have tried delegating, he has my 2 older ones from a previous marriage do it. i tried talking to him, telling him I need help and tells me thats why we had kids and they can do it. He mowed half the backyard the other day told me I could finish the rest as he was too hot. We own our own home and been here for 6 years. he has mowed the yard twice. My son does it. i did not have kids to be my slaves. he works full time, i work part time. he does cook dinner but has stressed to me that it is stressful> he won’t let me buy stuff for my lunch but complains when I ask him to bring me something to work in which i work 2 blocks from home.

    The list of things to do in my home is outrageous. I feel like I am treading as I can no longer keep this going when it seems one sided. he doesn’t believe in foreplay, gets disappointed when i don’t make time for and when I do, after he rolls over and falls asleep. I do his laundry and when I bring that up, he says he will do it but then questions why he has no clean clothes. i have been waiting for house repairs for 3 years, with the list getting longer. I call a friend to come by to help, then he is happy and says he didn’t know how to fix it. I get embarassed having friends help me maintain my home. He doesn’t take out the garbage, he sits in the living room , letting his dirty dishes pile up, i can clean the house top to bottom and as soon as he comes in the door, his works boots fallw hereever, as does his lunchbag, dirty clothes left on the bathroom floor, I am so sick and tired. Am i being selfish? Am I wrong when I think a marriage is a partnership but it seems one sided? Are we not to work together?
    I am sorry, I am venting, I can’t see me doing this anymore. How do you cope??

    • overwhelmed mom Reply

      I can relate on so many levels. I have 4 and 5 year old girls as they are 11 months apart. I have been with my husband for 17 years and he is 17 years my senior but I feel like I am the older one. I have to take care of inside and outside of the house. He won’t do anything even when I ask over and over again. My four year old had special needs and I was working until she was mistreated and now I am back at home. My husband does not want to work a job that pays. He Has worked in trucking forever and he made little to no money at times. He does not care as long as I have food, a warm bed, and all his needs and wants he would not care if the house fell down. When i went to work it was because he was just sitting here looking stupid while we were going in the hole. He would not watch his kids, he barely fed them. I still have to do all the inside chores as well as the outside. When I ask him to fix anything he tells me to get someone to do it.. My question to him is, what do I pay them with rocks or leaves!? He is worse than any child and he whines all day about his current job that has been the most stable job in years. He complains about the 2 big dogs that he got for me to care for. He won’t pick up poo in our yard says he did that when he was little so it is left up to me to do. When our daughter with the special needs is having a meltdown he says that he is tired and going to bed. He leaves the doors unlocked and don’t bother to check them. My 4 year old was messing with the stove while I was getting a much needed shower and gas was all in the house, he was sitting in the living room talking about he did not smell it. He is mean and straight evil to me and the girls and the dogs at times. I can’t even talk to him. When he gets home from work he just eats and watches tv in his room. Other than my girls this all has been a mistake in my life. Wish I had of rethought all of this.

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      If he hasn’t made an effort and continues to be “mean and straight evil” to you, then suggest counselling. If he refuses, then you will have to seriously consider what you will do.

      • Pinkflower Reply

        To Maria@amotherworld,
        Your comments are not very resourceful. Telling “overwhelmedmom” to tell her to “delegate” tasks is absurd. It seems to me this woman is being abused, and her best solution if she is able to would be to get counseling for JUST herself and then decide what is best for her and her children.

        • I told Ag mom to delegate tasks, not Overwhelmed Mom who needs counseling or needs to reconsider her living arrangements. I can only offer advice to seek help.

  12. Gemil Lacroix Reply

    Most men are like that! I agree and understand all your frustration. Just one question who the boss in the house?
    Woman! Right? Even if men try it’s not good enough for the wife standard! So we give up!
    One trick, even if I does it wrong don’t Ever complain or he will not try again! Appreciate they effort…
    Trust me men will never be a woman in the house! Cheers

  13. It’s nice to know it’s not just me dealing with this. I see my sister and her husband and while she’s a sahm now with a 3 year old (she quit her job as manager it was too stressful) he’s ALWAYS helping her and their relationship is great!! Then I look at mine… My husband and I have a 16 month old and right now I’m 8 months pregnant. He has a full time job as a dinner /night shift cook at a fine dining restaurant and I’m a full time sahm. I wake up between 6 am every morning with my son, I have to take care of him no matter how tired I am, clean the home, wash laundry, manage and worry about bills and all the stress that comes with it and because he works I have to ask his permission for even a Starbucks to feel appreciated, and he says no! But he can go out with his buddies after work and go get a beer or buys 2-3 packs of cigarettes every week and his reason “it’s his money he worked for it”. You know I was going through my closet, I barely have any clothes that aren’t almost worn out to the extreme, the last time I went shopping for me was 3 years ago! Being pregnant last term I am SO exhausted!! All I want to do lately is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep and not wake up. I always wash the dishes, you would think with there only being two adults in the home they would stay clean right? Nope what he has to do is after using a cup or plate he has to get a new clean one instead of just washing the one he has to reuse it. So all the dishes that I wash and put away just repiles back on top of the counters and I’m not just talking about a few plates, when those are out he’ll use regular bowls, and when all those are dirty he’ll use storage bowls and the list keeps going until ALL our cupboards are bare! I spend all day washing laundry and chasing after my 16 month old as much as I possible can being 37 weeks prego and sometimes I have to put the pile of clean laundry on the couch and coffee table and take even a bathroom break and I’ll return to fund that he (the husband) threw all my folded clothes off the table and all the clean piles of clothes on the couch that still need to be done on the floor and I have to redo them! He spills his drinks doesn’t even bother cleaning up the spills and being this far into the pregnancy I can’t bend over all the time to take care of it so our carpet is badly stained (I have a high risk pregnancy, I’m not using it as an excuse). Last night he comes home from work and he uses every pot and pan in the kitchen along with plates so he can make his meat and marinade (did i spell that right?) it and right now meat makes me REALLY nauseous. I couldn’t eat any but what he tells me is “Since I cooked you should watch the dishes that ways it’s fair”. WTF!!?? Are you kidding me??? You didn’t make it for me or your son, I cook dinner pretty much EVERY night you never help me with the dishes, or the laundry or the trash. When was the last time the trash was taken down?? We live in an apartment complex 2nd story the trash is just piling I have to do everything myself, he won’t even get the mail!! But when he cooks I have to clean up after him because it’s “fair” Is this a joke?? I told him I need his help cleaning the home before the new baby arrives he said okay I’ll help you on my next day off, well he spent the day locked in the room so me or the baby can’t bother him so he can sleep. Once again I’m left with everything. He comes home from work doesn’t even spend 10 minutes with his son who wants to play with his “da-da” he just comes home says hello to him plays with him for a couple of minutes then literally throws him aside because he’s so tired from work and just wants to relax but he goes straight to his playstation and plays Call of Duty til 7-8 am with his friends. My son and I are just cast aside. He tells me that he’s worked all day and that I’m just so lazy I can’t even wash the dishes for him! I don’t have any friends anymore it’s been years since I saw them and all his friends hate me because he can’t go to parties anymore and play beer pong and get drunk like an idiot because he has a family to support so they all talk smack about me and it’s really mean and hurts my feelings. Even his sister and his father talk and say horrible things and he lets them and his father even tried taking him out to introduce him to more girls to cheat on me and leave me! Never once has he defended me! When I ask him “was it really too much for you to just defend me for once?? I’m not asking you to start a fight over me but tell them to leave me alone. ” I never even speak to them! he tells me that I never stop nagging him or acting like a bitch that’s why no one likes me and that’s why I don’t have any friends anymore because no one wants to be around me and that all I do is attract drama. He tells me to get a job because all I do is sit around on my ass all day, which is kind of ironic because when I met him he was 21 living with his father in a one bedroom motel room he didn’t even have a real job couldn’t even keep the payments til I moved in and paid his rent for him AND his dad when I was 18 plus I was also keeping up with MY rent and working my ass off over 16-20 hours a day sometimes and now that he has a job I’m just lazy. He doesn’t even feel sympathetic when I can’t walk from the baby being on my pelvic bone to the point where I can’t even get up without crying sometimes the pain is so bad. But I know that I can be in a full time career and when I come home I’ll still be the full time maid AND full time parent but h told me that so he can sleep during the daytime while I’m at work to hire a babysitter watch the baby like really? In fact I wish he would leave me alone. I’ve tried talking to him, I tried everything. I’m sick and tired of it, even my own sister implied I’m stupid for dealing with it that she would’ve left her husband if he did any of this to her. Life lesson learned- No man out there is decent I dgaf what they say. I’m probably just going to look for 2 jobs and figure it out to go on my own and take the kids with me. Lots of moms did it before me I know I can too. I’m sorry for my rant but this is all built up emotions.

    • You are being abused. Run, don’t walk. Seriously. Call a crisis helpline if you have to, though it sounds like you have an amazing sister you could go to. I wish you all the best and truly hope you will make the necessary change.

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      I’m sorry you are going through this – especially being 8 months pregnant also! I can imagine things might get worse once your baby is born because you’ll be feeling overwhelmed with having a newborn and another child. You will have to be firm with your husband and delegate tasks. Tell him you NEED him to help you. If he still doesn’t follow through, suggest marriage counselling as a last resort. If he refuses, then I think you know what you have to do.

  14. I would like to reccommend a fabulous book that has transformed many marriages without the need for counseling. It is called “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
    In a nutshell it teaches couples how to rekindle the love that existed when couples first meet by understanding how to press each other’s “magic buttons”. It is a must for ANY married couple.

    Good Luck!

  15. So I am just like all of you but I have tried the “talk it over and express how i feel” thing. He’s just a complete jerk to me when I try to talk. The more I tell him how I feel the angrier he gets.

    He has a horrible memory, especially when he is on his computer or watching TV and I try to talk to him. He doesn’t like when I leave chore notes because he thinks they are a bitchy way of telling him what to do….when in fact it’s only to help remember and I tell him I even leave notes for myself to remember things! And I tell him this all the time. So when he sees a note in the morning before work to “Take out the trash please! XOXO <3 " He gets pissed, ignores the note, and leaves for work without taking the trash out. When he comes home from work in the evening I ask politely and sweetly if he will help me with a chore (usually just one is all I ask at a time). He says "sure" while staring at ESPN. A few hours later, while sitll on the couch that chore has still not been done. I remind him and he gets angry and will say "I just worked all day and I dont feel like doing anything"…..meanwhile on the weekend when I ask him to do a chore he says "It's my day off and I don't feel like doing anything."……So when I asked him when a good time would be to ask him to help out, he got angry AGAIN and said "NEVER, OBVIOUSLY."

    We both have full time jobs, I am the on-site and live-in manager for the condo building where we live which can get pretty demanding as it's like living at work, and I do 95% of the housework (including dog duties). I am at a dead end. I don't know what to do. I've tried reasoning and I've tried the nice thing. I feel as thought I've tried everything. I'm just lost. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Sad.

  16. Amber – I can relate to your situation totally. Sorry, Don’t ahve any answers as I’m still trying to find them myself! I only work part time but do 100% of work inside and outside house. He won’t mow lawn, look after garden, chop wood for wood burner and would never think of doing anything inside the house as this is womans work.. He says as he works full time and provides the most money to family then he should be allowed to chill and drink beer in spare time. I am also a carer for elderly parents and mother in law. He gets very angry and verbally abusive if I ask him to help out in any way at all. I too feel overwhelmed and very depresssed. I can’t leave as I wouldn’t be able to support myself financially and having 3 elderly people to look after I won’t be able to get a full time job either. Stuck in this horrible place.

  17. Ditto, ditto, ditto. So it sounds like I am damned if I stay and damned if I leave because pretty much all men out there are the same way. The biggest problem is that we have 3 beautiful kids. And they are suffering either way. I just want to be alone, I don’t even want another man. Honestly, a man is like another child and I don’t have any more energy. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? I have voiced my frustrations pretty clearly for the last 2-3 years and no change…

    Hoping for change.

  18. I am a husband.
    Is anyone beginning to see a pattern here?? It is not YOUR husband who is lazy. It is MOST husbands. We need time to ourselves. We work hard, love our wive’s but for goodness sake. Leave us alone!!
    Now that I have allowed you inside the mind if the average husband, here are some tips that work in my wife’s favour.

    There is nothing like music to make me do housework. When my favorite songs are playing, I will continue to clean, straighten up, do chores etc. just so long as I can continue to move with the rhythm.

    A tactic of my wife is “I know you need a break now but what time can I count on you to take care if ….(small chore).
    Most husbands can more easily think about helping out when it doesn’t pose an immediate threat to whatever they are doing now.

    Most importantly FEED HIS SELF ESTEEM especially when he is playing his X-box or doing whatever. Show that you recognize that it is important for him to have his own time. He will be much more likely to want to please you afterward.

    Good luck!

    • So what is the point of men then? Are they just sperm and money donors? Why don’t they care when their wives are exhausted. I have just divorced my ex after a 32 year marriage and I couldn’t be happier. I sometimes foolishly think that I would like to get married again. I do miss the sex and companionship but is it worth ? I felt like the house slave for most of my married life. I don’t want to feel like that again.

      • IMF so Fiona nothing ever changed for you? I’ve thought about leaving several times but I keep thinking well maybe it’ll get better maybe he will see how tired I am.

      • You miss the sex and companionship? You can get that from a gigolo. I will not sacrifice any of my happiness or life to accommodate a ‘half of a man’. Sex is not important to me and never will be. What’s important is a man that loves me through ‘action’; not his penis or lip service. I’m not looking to ‘play house’ with a man. And not all men are lazy, selfish or clueless. The problem is women over look, the role model husband and father figure type in exchange for a man that can get their pussy wet. And then all you get is dick and nothing else. If that’s all you really want, don’t cry when that’s all you get. Don’t ever confuse love or a healthy relationship with sex. Because if you could no longer have sex, then what? Your stuck with a man that won’t wash dishes, mow the lawn or help with the kids. So be honest with yourself and make sure you are getting all you want and need from a man. Try not to cloud your judgment with sex or a warm body to lay next to at night.

    • Corby, with all due respect, I’ve read a fee posts in here from husbands who offered advise about how to stroke egos, or make men feel good in some way shape or form in order for them to happily “help”. This frustrates me. Why should they? These wen don’t seem to née stroking, or begging, or sweet requests that tiptoe around their ego or “needs” in order to clean, cook, parent, and in many cases, work! Sheesh. Are men really that dumb that we need to manipulate them into helping? Are they that egotistical that they need anything other than “hey- you’re my PARTNER, you helped me create this mess, now HELP me manage it!!” ??

    • Corby – you’re joking, right? Like imagining we all live in I Love Lucy. Yeah, I choose to believe you are joking. That’s gotta be it…

  19. Hi ladies,
    Before I got married my sister used to complain to me about her husbands laziness. But the truth is that I have been a single mom for about five years. It is EXTREMELY hard to do everything alone, but it can be done, so I have two suggestions. Leave your husband if he doesn’t change his ways OR hire a cleaning lady. Sometimes people don’t react to certain situations until they turn extreme. My sister hired the cleaning lady, she is soooooo happy now. She now has time to go out with friends and doesn’t bitch at her husband anymore. Maybe you can’t afford it all the time, maybe your husband will get mad. Either way try to find a way around obstacles. We only live once let’s be happy. As for me I made sure I married a man who doesn’t mind helping around the house and whom is open to criticism. And the day came when I felt we were on a separate page I talked seriously to him about my feelings. I read the five languages of love, I understand what makes him happy. I told him what makes me happy. It was hard because I expected him to automatically know because he says loves me and I wanted my love to be like a movie. Well in real life your husband will not do what u want him to do unless you tell him what that is.

  20. WOW! This is very interesting. I am on this site because my wife is currently complaining about the same things that some of you are. Here is my situation…
    She came to me the other night after cooking, cleaning, bringing me my food..etc..
    This was a particular day that i was off (day after x max) i specifically took this day off to shop since this year we said we would use the money we would usually spend on each other..and just spend on ourself during the after x mas specials…anyways…to make a long story short..(afraid to go into much detail just in case she finds her way to this site)
    She says on days like this she feels too overwelmed with house work and feels i do not do enough. Feels like she is living with a teenager.. We both work full time jobs and before we married we talked about household chores. All i said was that I do not want to be responsible for dishes. And that i wouldnt mind being responsible for living room, and other things. Guess what the main topic of the arugement was…DISHES! she suggested i be responsible for the kitchen the 2 nights a week she cooks.
    Ok…the reason i disagree is because I am responsible for the living room, i take out trash, vacuum living room,hallway, bedroom, wash and fold my own clothes and occasionally wash and fold the towels. Ocassionally ( up to 3-5 times a month WASH THE DISHES ON MY OWN TO SURPRISE HER!) And she is made because i do not help out with dishes! really! I even pick up after myself..there is never underwear of mine lying around.
    She says she does more things than me ( She does about 2 extra curricular activities that she chose to do) and since she is busy with that at times she wants me to do more.

    Am i being too unreasonable about taking and stand and comitting to what i said ( not washing dishes) if i help with other things. We stay in an apt. So i guess when we move into a house i am relieved of some of my inside responsibilities now that i will now have to do yard work huh? lol…anyways…someone please respond

    • OUTofSTEAM Reply

      Husband – You’ve expressed that you don’t like doing dishes. Have you asked your wife if she enjoys it? Perhaps she hates it just as much as you and only agreed in the first place to be nice. How often do you need to take out the trash and vacuum? In most households these only need to be done once or twice a week. Dishes, on the other hand, are an every day chore. I think it is great that you wash the dishes to surprise her. Nothing makes me happier than coming home to an empty sink. That you are here and thinking about this shows a great effort. So take that next step. Try to face the situation neutrally. Make a list of all the chores you each do, how long each chore takes, and how often you need to do it. Then you can see how much time each of you is truly devoting to household work. Ask her to work on it with you to make sure you both agree. Perhaps she’ll be surprised at how much more you help out than she realizes. Or maybe you’ll see she is doing twice the work you are. Ask her which she likes doing and which she doesn’t. Make sure you split any chores you both hate evenly.

      I’m guessing by your response that you don’t have kids yet. You sound a lot like my husband, pre-kids. Let me give you a little piece of advice in case you eventually do. Think beyond yourself. “I even pick up after myself.” This is what you said in your post and I realize I’m taking it slightly out of context, but it is the type of response I get from my husband. You do your own laundry and cleanup after yourself. That’s great. My husband does the same thing…or thinks he does. But while he washes his own clothes and “occasionally the towels” he never stops to think beyond that. He rarely folds his own clothes so I either have to “delegate” or “nag” him to finish his chores, do it myself, or deal with baskets of laundry around the house. He has no idea how much time I spend actually doing his laundry because I’ll throw some of his dirty clothes in with mine, but he never does the same for me. (And I HATE laundry!) He could have half a load of laundry but doesn’t thow any of mine or the kid’s clothes in. I don’t understand why. It is supposed to be a partnership. A women want you to think about her as much as she thinks about you. Your responsibilities don’t end when you’ve finished the bare minimum or your half. Women give a lot of themselves to make men happy, including agreeing to do the dishes even when we hate it. But eventually we run out of steam and have no more to give. I thank my husband for everything he does around the house, and I almost never get a thank you or acknowledgment for the hours of work I do every day on top of my full time job. Your wife is asking you to think beyond yourself and see how much she is truly giving in ways you probably don’t even realize.

      Hope this helps give you some insight into your wife’s point of view! Now go sweep her off her feet with some clean dishes. 🙂

      • dazed and confused Reply

        outOfSteam – i really liked your response to Husband. wish there was a like button. your advice about figuring out who does what and how much time it takes, is very practical and makes a lot of sense. perhaps i will try it with my own husband. In an ideal world, it will make sense to him too.

      • I think what happens is that many men still think that certain jobs are “women’s work”, and if they help out once in a while they are going beyond the call of duty. Many years ago, when women generally stayed at home this was closer to the truth.(although guys should not expect a woman to pick up after them….there’s a big difference between between maintaining a household and being a personal maid). Now, while most women work, they are still expected to carry the lion’s share of the household chores, and women who stay at home are expected to work 24/7 because they are “at home”.

        When a man does the dishes,laundry, etc..he’s not “helping out his wife” he’s being a responsible and respectful partner. When that mindset changes for both men and women, it will be much easier. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done.

  21. Why is the answer from Colby requesting that we NEED to stroke a man’s ego in order to get him to do something around the house? I’ve tried this… it doesn’t work. I’ve tried everything, asked him nicely, not so nicely, bribed him with a BJ/Sex, even shouted. Nothing, nothing works! I’m about to throw in the towel. I’m seriously depressed because my husband refuses to do anything I ask. I asked him over a month and half ago to change the garage outside lights. So I took it upon myself to get out the ladder… in the rain last night and changed the three flipping lights. He had the audacity to ask why I was doing such a task. Seriously folks? I just don’t get it!!!! Now he won’t talk to me… I’ll be getting the cold looks and he’ll ignore me for weeks if I let it. I’m so done…

    • My husband does the same. He gets mad whenbi just do stuff. He got maf at me tonight when I wad gonna vacume. Now he wont talk to me. Wait…I was the one who just worked my ass off while he sat on his phone and he is mad at me???

  22. Also going through this with my husband! I work full time five days a week and then spend about 12 hrs straight cleaning Saturdays and outside errands Sunday. I have a 2 & 7 yr old and take care of them as well. My husband will sometimes take trash out – usually after nagging. He sometimes unloads dishwasher- again after nagging. I have no life and never go out. He plays recreational sports and occasionally goes out with friends. Sometimes even overnight. We argue a lot. It’s been about 10 years and I am exhausted. There is zero romance. If he wants to have sex, he acts like a teenager and gropes me and has his way. I am just so tired and fed up. Now I sleep with the kids. He doesn’t want to go to counseling- we went to a few sessions and he wouldn’t even do the homework. My doctor ended up giving me anxiety meds. My 7 yr old asked me why I chose him the other day. It was so sad. To outsiders, he seems like a really great guy.. And we live in a nice town in a huge house. It’s hell. We don’t talk to each other unless its business ( re bills, kids, etc). I listed out a few measurable goals for us to work on and he said ok but after one hour it was out the window. For years he has treated me condescendingly and makes me feel like a second class citizen. The only reason he married me is because I got pregnant I guess. I have tried everything I the book and don’t want a failed marriage. I came from a broken family and never wanted that for my life. At the end of my rope.

  23. Sadly it is the same way in my house too, except mine doesn’t even keep the yard nice. I go to school full time, I work full time, and I do everything. Mine only works and lately his commitment seems to stop at work. Getting him to do anything around the house becomes a headache. I have tried everything including letting him know what needs to be done, then I wait months and it still doesn’t get done. I have given up. I wish he could see what his laziness is doing to me.

  24. Yep, at mine too except my husband is a stay at home dad. He still never cleans or does yard work or even cooks dinner. I work really long hours and still come home to “what’s for dinner?” Most of the time he is talking on the phone or playing on the computer. He doesn’t even take the kids to the park or play dates. Oh and he also wastes lots of little money all the time. I have talked, pleaded and yelled at this man so many times. He has been planning to go back to school for five years now. It is driving me crazy and I cannot even bite my tongue all the time as I feel so so so very used. Then he gets so upset that I don’t make enough time for him or give him enough sex. I mean really??? I go to work all day, come home, cook dinner, do homework with the kids, clean the house, read the kids a story and tuck them in and I am supposed to have energy for sex, not to mention the desire for someone who does so very little to help with anything. Ha ha ha!

  25. My Name is Mrs Angela, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both blessed with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he started sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him thejob. since that day, when i called him, he no longer pick up my calls and nothing good since to come out from him. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr. Orinoko cast a spell for me, now he is back with me and me only. And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email, orinokosolutiontemple1@ gmail. com

  26. Gosh i read all the comments and makes me wonder if I’m the only one with the worst case. Here i go, i’ve been married for 7 years, for the 3 first years of my marriage, i was the housewife (happy to be so) i had house clean, lunch ready for my husband, his clothes ready for after work, bed ready. .was my job since he was the only one working. now, i have a 9 to 5 job, but my husband has been going on and off from work due to the bad economy in the last years. he was laid off couple months ago again and I’m going back to the same battle.. .”while he is applying for jobs online and playing with the stock market ” i have to fight with him to ask him to keep the house clean since he is the one staying at home.we are 2 adults and one dog, but he won’t do anything unless i ask in a very rude way. I don’t like to be rude, but I’ve tried to be tender and polite but not results. Before hits excuse was : ” I pay the bills “…. but now.. .i pay the bills and I still have to work at home. This is making so unhappy.. .I don’t mind the fact that he is not working, I like being the sugar mama, but all I’m asking is for him to help me. I love him but his lazy attitude has put ideas in my head to just leave my house, since he always mention that he used to have a clean house when he was single. I don’t know what else to do… i feel so unhappy, unappreciated, but mostly tired!!

  27. Just a little tip for you that I picked up from my first family childcare sitter. She watched kids in her home who were all under 5 years old and her house was usually pretty close to spotless. She would shut off doors to rooms that the children shouldn‘t in. That really helped contain the kid toys / mess / destruction. Before they could have their snack she would sing a little clean up song and have them put their things away in a toy bin located in the room. I started it with my kids (then 2 and 4) and it totally works! She NEVER gave in and did all the kid clean up herself. The children were always expected to help. She made it fun for them and they loved it. My daughter (now 8) still goes into motion if I sing that song!

    I started using a similar tactic with my hubby too. Using things like “we can all go out to dinner after things are picked up and put away” (meaning that him and the kids need to work together) or “want to sit down and watch your fav movie on Netflix after the house is picked up?” OR “if you’ll pick up for the night then I can use that time to make the XYZ dessert that you like”. Ha! It really works ladies but YOU have to stick to your guns and use it! If he doesn’t do his part don’t make that dessert and tell him why. “Oh well. I didn’t have time to make XYZ because I had to clean up tonight instead. Maybe next week!” No nagging necessary! Just natural consequences! Love that!

    Also I don’t put his things away any more.

  28. I need a solution Reply

    I could sit here and bi^&* – but it will sound just like all the personal stories on this comment thread. I WANT A SOLUTION. boo hoo 🙁

    Does anyone have any recommendations on how to get this repetitive style of living over with? I find myself resentful everyday and it’s not fair to me or him. He doesn’t do it intentionally; it’s just seems like it’s not in his gene make-up. Times have changed – I am like most women here– work full-time (have my own business) and have a 4 year old with behavioral issues and my husband is out of the house for most of the week. By the time I see him – I feel like I hate him – not really though.

    I don’t want to feel like this anymore – feeling anger and resentment – I want a clean and organized home, and don’t want to find myself day after day and year after year feeling like I am on my own. I want a strategy that will stick – I will discuss on nailing down DAILY responsibilities. I am also reaching out to a life coach to see if he could help. I have a calendar that we could both reference to. Any other ideas? What has worked for you? If anything 🙂 Is this something I have to accept?

  29. Joleen Stephens Reply

    I just have to say, I was married and everything was fine chore wise until when we had our two kids, the oldest has Autism, I stopped doing a lot of the chores because I was working more than full time so when I was home it was more important to me to spend time with my babies. I felt like chores will always be there but my kids are only young once. My husband didn’t really agree with me on that and after 10 years of marriage it was ONE of the things that pulled us apart. From the point of view of a young now single mother I can see where mistakes were made on BOTH sides. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that it’s all about finding that balance that both wife and husband are Happy with. A clean house is important sure, but not at the expense of your kids and marriage. Sometimes certain housework can wait a day, or even just a few hours! To spend some quality time with your family. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what “has” to be done we forget What’s most important. Talk with your husband, without yelling or being mean. Sometimes writing out your feelings is easier than talking and have him read it. Just remember if you’re being accusing their gonna get defensive and nothing will get accomplished…

  30. dazed and confused Reply

    been there, done that 🙁 here is my story: i have pretty much been the breadwinner since we graduated since i was employed while he continued his studies. All that time, I did most of the house work. He does his laundry because he yelled at me once when the colors had run when i did it, so i don’t touch his stuff anymore. i admit i was willingly doing 90% of the housework while working full time because i wanted him to focus on his education. and during that time he had me convinced that the one who cooks also has to clean up, because his idea of dinner was canned soup and bread, and i prefer less processed food. fast forward 7-8 years and he gets a good job with a decent salary and we have a baby, but he soon quits this job because he doesn’t think he excels in it (he’s a perfectionist) and goes back to school out of state, while i am left to care for our toddler while holding a full time job. fast forward a couple more years and he gets a job in the opposite coast. so i quit my job and move there with my daughter. he makes decent money at this job, but is antsy that i haven’t been able to find a job. well i try to find jobs but have not been successful because as far as i can tell, my skills are sort of out-dated in this area and i am considered too ‘old’ for entry level jobs in my field. so the best solution i can think of is to do an intensive program in a vocational school to get my skills up to date. when i discuss this option with him (he will not have to pay for me) and tell him that all i need from him is more help with our child, he immediately shoots it down. he is a workaholic and works from 9 to 7/8/9 and says that there is no way he can come home by 6. since the program i have in mind is an intensive course, the program guidelines specifically state that you will need, on average 10 -12 hours a day for 3 months. I felt like this is the best option because it is relatively short term (3 months) and there is no upfront payments, so i won’t be relying on his money. but i feel so hopeless and sad now when i think of all the things i did and sacrificed for his career for so many years, and he cannot reciprocate for a measly 3 months for me. i have even talked to my parents about this and even they have let me know that they have other obligations (namely helping my sister with her new baby, which they had signed up for before my predicament) well that is my story. i am just so hurt that my husband does not want to change anything about his schedule or life to help me out, but still expects me to contribute financially, and always brings up the fact that he’s the one making the money. he’s basically told me that since he has a job that he goes to, my job is everything else: all the housework, child care, meals, on top of job hunting, which i really don’t have much time for at the end of the day. i’ve asked him to go to counseling with me, but he will have none of that. in fact he’s told me if i didn’t like the status quo, the door is always open.

  31. I’m a man on this site trying to get a woman’s perspective and I will say that the way your men are can only be blamed on one person… YOU! Women only want things done a specific way… Their way. If I asked you to clean the floor and criticized the way you did, it how would you react? If you had zero control of your household, how would you feel? Let your husbands get involved and don’t criticize! If it isn’t perfect deal with it and appreciate the effort. Women expect this perfect specimen of a man that doesn’t exist. We deal with your hormonal asses 12 times a year and for nine months straight. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

  32. Owen Chloe Reply

    My name is Owen Chloe from United Kingdom I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.ROBIN he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 4 years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is robinhealinghome@yahoo.com

  33. SickofLazyMen Reply

    99 percent of men are lazy and selfish. Period, end of story. I finally hired a house keeper, cook, landscaper, and handyman. I don’t ask him to do anything now except take out the garbage and recycle once a week, and he still bitches about that. He even expects me to be there to open the door when he gets home, and then talks down to me if I don’t open it fast enough. He avoids me on his day off and when he is home because he thinks I will ask him to help with some chore. My husband is a jerk. Nothing to be done for it. He is that way and will not change and doesn’t think he needs to. He hates to work, but does because I told him to live on the street unless he started working. He has only had to work two years out of our marriage. He will be retiring this year. Go to counseling? Not a chance, he isn’t worth it. He lied to me before we married and played a good game, about how he fished, hunted, hiked. The big outdoors man. Then we married, he quit his job and has sat on his ass for years. We have nothing in common and I am bored out of my mind. I am getting close to retirement now and he will be retiring next month. I make too much money to leave him, already checked on that, so I am going on vacation and not coming back. I am going to keep him in the same style he has today. Shouldn’t take much, he doesn’t get three feet away from the TV anyway and eats fast food and eggs. Do I sound like a bitch? Who cares. I had a great life before him and I will have again after I leave him. I tried everything too, just like all of you other women have. The nice ones are few and far between and don’t let the jerks tell you that it is the woman’s fault, that’s a bunch of hogwash. I’ve raised three boys, I tried my best to teach them to help around the house. They do, but I still got their families a housekeeper for Christmas, so the family can take a break. Everybody works hard and should have a housekeeper. They tell me it has helped their relationships and their relationships weren’t even that bad to begin with, but everybody is just too busy. Ha, I’m going on a cruise. I bet he won’t even know I’m gone.

  34. I did not mean to suggest that a husband should not feel obligated to help, WITHOUT having his ego stroked. I am only offering a suggestion to manipulate a husband who knows he SHOULD be helping, but who – like many – have an innate aversion to taking orders from anyone who doesn’t pay their salary. It might help to understand that many of chores that women need done immediately, husbands deem unnecessary. If a husband doesn’t feel ANY obligation to help his wife, then there are major character flaws that need to be addressed -the chores not withstanding.

  35. I have read and reread all of these comments and I believe that most if not all you have lived in my house. I am a stay at home mom of a very chaotic 3 yr old and my husband works in the oil field.
    I will say up front, that 9 times out of 10, when he works a lot I do not expect him to really do a whole lot around the house as that is the reason I am home. When he has time off and the weekends off then I do feel that he should help with whatever needs to be done, esp when it comes to our son. He usually will sleep in until 10 am, 11 or later if I let him…. He gets up, then comes straight to the couch get under the blanket and turn on the tv. Lays there until about 2-3 pm then gets up and decides he will get in the shower. All the while I have been up since 5-6am dealing with my child, cleaning up after breakfast, doing laundry or whatever else needs to be done.
    The yard has become an atrocity, the Christmas lights are still hanging up outside and the tree that got hit by lightening A YEAR AGO is still lying in the backyard with the damaged fence.
    I might want to add as well, my dad died last June and I stayed with my mom for 3 months (until the end of sept) helping her with whatever she needed. She lives in another state.
    My lovely husband was here at home for 3 months…. By himself. And what had been done around here?! Not a garsh darn thing!
    NOTHING! While I stated before that he works a lot and I appreciate his hard work to support and provide for us, he is a lazy mofo at home. I feel like I’m just flesh in a home to communicate with whenever there is a commercial on. There is no appreciation or gratitude from him. And honestly I blame his mother for it. He seems to be taking the same role with our son and it pisses me off! I do not want my future daughter in law saying this shit about my son. I refuse to let him think women are here to only serve him. I will slap that nonsense right out of him.
    I love my husband and I want a good marriage. But I don’t want to be that nagging bitchy wife . Just get off your dead ass and fricken help me when you are home. For an extended period of time. That’s it

  36. Frustrated Reply

    I am in the same boat as many of the ladies here. I have been married for about 5 1/2 years and we have a 1 year old. We have had a long distance relatioship. I work full-time and he does too in another town. If we are lucky he will come home on the weekend. When he comes home all he wants to do is watch tv (especially his soccer games) and play PS3. He will do laundry once in a while and take out the trash when he sees that I have a lot. There’s been a point where I just stopped doing anything and when he came home he did pick up, but just threw everything in a box, didn’t vaccumm, sweep, clean the restroom or anything else. I have talked to him about this and he uses his job as an excuse. He oftern complains that he just want to relax because he works hard. He tells me that I am getting mad over small insignificant things. He has also made it clear that he doesn’t think I work hard, just because I work in an office. I tried explaining to him that I work hard and once I get off I don’t get to relax I come home and take care of the baby and the household duties everyday. After we argue he will help for a day or two and then its back to the same thing. I feel like I am a single parent about 90% of the time, because even if he is here he doesn’t really pay much attention to the little one. I am so frustrated I am not sure what else to do to get him to help me more and understand where I am coming from. He just thinks I am being too dramatic. I sometimes think I would be better off to just be truly be a single parent. Then I wouldn’t have be picking up his mess when he came home on the weekends. I love him, I am just so tired of arguing with him and having to take him by the hand to show him what needs to be done. Even when I ask him to do something he will not do it until he is “free” to do so, so I just end up doing them myself. Which usually means I need to find a creative way to entertain my baby while I do what needs to be done. I once cleaned and washed our truck with my baby on one hand and the other with the hose and sponge….

  37. I do it all in my household too — even yard work despite my horrible allergies. My husband is horribly overweight and refuses to mow the lawn and do the trim (the only household task I ask him to handle) and wants to hire a lawn service. Meanwhile, I cook, clean, do the laundry, iron his work clothes, school the kids. I do it all with no help. He’s the money maker and I’m a stay-at-home mom and he says if he makes the money, we can afford to hire someone. I seriously think he thinks I sit on the couch all day and play with the kids. He’d just rather sit on the couch on his days off and be served by me and the kids. I’m trying to raise our kids (particularly the boys) to be servants, to be hard workers, not to be couch potatoes like their lazy dad. I’m so tired and hurt by his lack of service that I could cry. I keep praying that his eyes will be opened.

  38. My husband does not do a thing even on asking. I left my job to be with him in another country.
    Now I have to take interviews and study for them.
    He starts getting angry at me even if I ask him to make evening tea while I am doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. I do all the household work. He always leave the shower dirty filled up with his body hair and all. I have to clean it before taking shower. Despite repeated demos on how to clean it after shower, he never did it for once. He never does a single thing despite repeating requests.
    What should I do??Should I expect that he will change after I start working?

  39. how about having a husband that doesnt buy you gifts, whether it is your birthday, valentines day or christmas. He tells me to get what i want. So i never have a present to open from him. Christmas sucked.

  40. StressedinPA Reply

    Well I am a husband I hear you. I am the one in my house who takes care of dinner, dishes, clothes, running all over and feel like a slave to my wife and her son. When I rant about it to her she turns it back on me. Telling me if I don’t like it go and I am sadly getting to that point. When we first met I worked from home so it wasn’t bad it was something to do all day but now I work in the office and she does not contribute. The one week the dirty dish’s piled up for 5 days till I finally gave in and did them. To get any help I have to ask and if it is convenient they may help but only if I ask nicely. Please help with any advice.

  41. I’m not a mother. I am married to a lazy man. I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. I do have one request.

    My request to all mothers…raise your boys to be good husbands. Future wives will thank you. 🙂

    • This! This! A million times…This!!! I am also not a Mother. I dated someone for far too long in my 20s who was just a lazy bastard and it made me realize that I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t do everything around the house, everything for him, and everything for kids.

  42. OK – my significant other of 14 years does NOTHING around the house. I am up at 4:30 AM M-F to get myself and two of my three girls ready for school. He gets to sleep right up until he has to get dressed and leaves for work. He gets up around 5:45-6, gets himself ready – thats it, and leaves. When he gets off of work, he comes home, takes a shower, gets dressed, and then goes and picks up our two girls who have been sitting in afterschool programs waiting. Then its back home again, unless its Thursday and he has to catch my daughter at her pitching lesson, and its straight to the bed, or couch to play Playstation or watch TV. I dont get home from work (and I AM THE PROVIDER as he works minimum wage plus a few dollars jobs) until after all of this and i am expected to make dinner. In addition to that, spend time with the kids, at least to ask them how their day was, going over homework, helping one study, do the daily chores and then after everyone else eats, i am expected to clean up after all of them and put the leftover food away, get kids in the tub, get them dressed and get them ready for bed. By the time this gets done, most days I am not even sitting down to relax after work until 9 or 10PM. By then I am exhausted – I just want a few minutes to myself and then I want to go to bed. Then when the weekend comes, there is running one or two of my three children around for sports and when i am not doing that – i am doing more household chores. Laundry, cleaning all the rooms in the house, putting all laundry away. What does he do on the weekends? Sleep, go play football with his friends (which is an all day event) or attend the sports activities for the girls if he isn’t too busy playing football. THEN he has the nerve to get mad when I am not in the mood for sex! I am tired and turned off by his non contribution to the house. For example, this weekend will be a busy weekend with my daughters softball tournament and i wont have much time to do weekend chores. So i started them on Thursday. Since there were leftovers in the fridge, and plenty of stuff that could be made quickly, i chose to do and put all of my daughters laundry away instead of making dinner. He took 10 minutes to drop my daughter off at basketball practice and came back like “im hungry and i figured if i took her to basketball u would be cooking”. He refuses to cook for himself – he is almost 40 years old and refuses to learn or help when it comes to cooking. He won’t even cook for his kids. I have been with him 14 years and never has he ever made a meal for me. I’m sick of it. When I say something to him about it he says – “thats not me – I don’t cook”. Now its almost 10 and i am ready to go to bed – he wants to put on a movie and watch it. He sees that I am going to sleep and said “you are going to sleep – you aren’t going to watch the movie? I told him im tired and he then responded with “you need to get a life”. I responded “really – watching TV is a life”? Why is it so much for me to expect to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night? And no – i dont want sex – too tired and not in the mood. He lives such a carefree life. Like he doesn’t have to worry about anything because I do everything. And he has the nerve to complain about sex. And what really gets me is he feels he is totally right! According to him, couples, even those with kids, and with women that work, are having sex a couple of times a week, every week. I keep telling him that I don’t know that planet he is from but I am wrong. Its to the point where I dont even care if this relationship continues – I mean i do just about everything myself – he can’t even take the garbage out on a daily basis – and I am tired of being hounded for sex and i am tired of feeling how i feel when i have sex with him just to shut him the hell up. I feel like sex is a job that I am expected to do. He says “im horny and i want to F&CK” or think i can get some tonight. I get no affection from him unless its to touch my butt or boobs and once again remind me he is horney. He doesn’t even sleep in the bed with me unless he knows he is going to get some. I get no gifts from him and he does NOTHING romantic ever. When my birthday comes around I might hear “go get yourself something”. When he gives me a card – he can’t even take the time to sign it. I am pretty sure I want out – am I wrong?

    • That sounds like my hubby, I’m tired of this life, I rather be a single mom because I make more money and he’s useless

  43. I’m ready to leave my husband. He’s so lazy. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and he doesn’t help

  44. I’m in the same boat. 11 month old and work full time an hour from the house. Husband forgets everything and will clean up only after I throw a fit. Lasts 1 week then it’s back to doing nothing. I want to leave. He says there are way worse men then him. I feel like being single would be easier with no one to resent all the time…what to do?

  45. My husband and I have been together for about 3 years, give or take. We both work full time. My hours are 8-5 at the office, and when I get home I have my own business I work on. His hours are generally 7-4:30, except for two days a week his hours are 7-7. He also works 6 days a week, whereas I only work 5. He makes slightly more than I do, now that he’s picked up a teaching job for those two extended work days.

    All that aside, we don’t have children, only dogs, cats and reptiles. I have to ask him to feed the dogs, if I’m cooking or busy.I have to ask him to help with laundry. He claims he does laundry a lot, but he STARTS the laundry. I have to put it in the dryer and put it up, and that’s usually just one day a week and one load.

    I understand he works 6 days a week, but I have things to do, too. I only ask that he feeds the animals, clean the bathroom and cut grass. Unfortunately, he knows those are his “jobs” but I still have to ask. I have to remind him, “hey the weeds are up to my knee, do you think that you can cut the grass this weekend.”

    Generally, he comes home and plops on the couch to play xbox or watch tv. Again, I know he works a lot, but I cook, do most of the laundry, mop the floor, hand-wash dishes, clean up the kitchen, sweep, deep clean the couches, help with raking and pickup up the yard, etc.

    He says I nag and that I don’t do as much as women 50 years ago, but neither of us are nearly 50 years old to compare by experience. I can’t help what I didn’t do 50 years ago when I wasn’t alive. I get told, “I’m playing, i will do it later,” and later typically doesn’t come for days. Maybe once a week, I ask him to do the dishes, and after being told, I’ll do it later, I have left them there for days before ending up doing them.

    I used to pack his lunch with leftovers and make sure he was all taken care of, but he quit taking the food, which extends how long he has to eat leftovers. Then, he complains that he’s eaten hamburgers for three days. Well, maybe he should have eaten them for lunch.

    I try not to complain about him at work, but when I can’t make after work dinners because I need to make sure he has dinner, they pick up on it. On top of that, I have to cook two meals because I’m a vegetarian and he won’t touch a vegetable. It’s by choice that I cook two meals, but if I didn’t, he would order pizza every night or eat grilled cheese.

    When I try to bring it up, he compares what I do to women 50 years ago, and tells me he does the same or more around the house. No, I’ve sat and cleaned the whole house, mopped around his feet, and cleaned the couches all except for where he was sitting because he wouldn’t get up from playing video games.

    Anyway, just my rant… My problems doesn’t sound nearly as bad as some of these women with abusive husbands, but I just wish mine would get off his butt once in a while at home. He works so hard at work, then expects the cleaning fairy to do all the work at home. When I offer to pay for a lawn guy, he flips out, yet he drags it out and waits till its bad before he does anything, so the Lord knows a maid is out of the question.

  46. Ok let’s get on subject of this. Number one I found this because I fight the same issues. I work and am at home with my last very busy teenager. But not only do I work I get up at 3:30 am to go to work. Usually pick up a second baby sitting job in the afternoon to. I don’t sit down until 7 at night or later. My husband hasn’t touched a toilet in 7 years. My husband travels sobe gets the luxury of not even being here to help 4 days a week and is off 3 days a week. He does do the laundry that is because we live in a apartment and I refuse to carry it down. Other than that if I dont ask I don’t get nothing but him sitting in his easy chair outside drinking a beer. But for me it’s a different take so to speak. Ladies it got so bad I hired a damn maid and he pays for her. If you can not willing help then you can pay for her ass. I was tired of breaking my back. So here it goes. GOD COMMANDED YOU TO LOVE YOUR WIFE AS HE LOVED THE CHURCH. That means a lot. God loved us so much he was willing to die for us. A wife is like a flower if she is not watered and taken care of and Loved and made to feel important she withers and dies that is a fact. I have a serious issue asking someone every single day like a child to do something. I’ve raised 5 boys I’m tired of asking. A child I can understand. A grown man hell no. Some of these men know this so they keep that on hand I think knowing we hate to ask as their plan. We don’t ask all the time they skip to the loo for free. Men want sex and this and that. Well if you would get off your ass and help and she wasn’t so beat down then you might get some. It’s excuses. A grown person can clearly see a sink full of dishes. Or a trash can running over in the floor. Or any mess. But yet tell you I don’t know what needed to be done. Really??? That stupid stuff dont fly with me. Here’s the other part. I would think your soulmate would show enough unselfish compassion to want to help their wife. To be a stand up guy that a wife could brag on. To not want their wife to be exhausted or dragged through the mud. Make up? You mean I don’t look good today baby? Well let’s see how you look on 5 hours sleep and 16 hours of work. You want sex? What? You can not even have enough compassion for me to show any care to how tired and passed off I am. It’s a never ending circle. Some husbands need to grow the hell up and stand up and chose to be a man and not a little boy who has to be asked to do something that advice clearly needs help in. Be a decent person. Have compassion. Show some love Everyday. And you might find the wife you want under all that hate cause she feels like she’s raising another child.

  47. Another note on a biblical stand point I’m sorry womans rights blah blah. We were not built to take on jobs ladies. And kids and housework and cooking and this and that. I blame myself to a degree that maybe I should have chose a man that brought home enough to raise his family so I could have stayed at home. We just were not built to be this busy on a physical level or a mental level. I did have Christian council before marriage. But when that man told that preacher he understood what it was to be a Godly husband and to take that role. He clearly lied. Because not only do I do all I do. But I also do the budget and hold our family up spiritually. And that is clearly to much for one woman. We wireman to love and to nurture and teach our children not to take on the whole world and feel single. Something is wrong here

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