Parenting expert, Deborah Gilboa, M.D. aka “Doctor G” is a family physician, international speaker, author and TV personality. She developed the “3 R’s of Parenting” to empower parents to raise respectful, responsible, and resilient kids. She has guest posted on amotherworld before in the series, Ask Dr. G.
How exciting that Doctor G is now publishing her book! Get the Behavior You Want… Without Being the Parent You Hate!: Dr. G’s Guide to Effective Parenting
will be released September 10, 2014.
Here is an excerpt from Chapter 46:
I am a parenting expert on the four kids who live in my house. You? Are a parenting expert on the kids who live in your home! No one knows the kids you love better, or cares more about their welfare, than you do. Even better, you are perfectly placed to raise those kids up to be adults you genuinely admire. You guide their behavior and choices as they progress from toddler to teen.
But how do we actually do this parenting stuff? Well, I’ve nagged, yelled at, threatened, and guilted my children to try to get them to behave well. Not all of the time, and usually not on purpose, but, just like many parents, I’ve done all this and more. Not only do I feel really horrible about it afterwards, but (and here is the kicker) it doesn’t work.
In addition to 24/7 parenting our four boys, I am a family doctor. I am privileged to care for hundreds of families, most with young children and teenagers. I work with families facing true horrors like cancer or muscular dystrophy; families fractured by circumstance or action; families challenged by legal, financial, and emotional stressors. I have families that look “normal” or even “perfect.” Here is what I’ve learned:
Everyone struggles with parenting. Everyone.
Picture your kids grown into the adult children you’d like to visit in 25 years. That’s the prize, right? Adults you’ve raised that are a comfort to you, raising your grandchildren and leading interesting lives that you get to hear about and take some part in, but with most of the heavy lifting behind you. That’s the prize to keep in mind during your challenges. Think about raising an adult you will respect and like, and want to be around. What character traits, knowledge, and skills do children need to become those adults? How can you encourage them to be responsible enough to someday be financially independent? What lessons will help them respect themselves and others?
How can you guide them toward the resilience they will need when they are met by life’s challenges?
Be trustworthy.
Picture this future moment: Your child is a teen. At 15 he is at an after-the-game party and he realizes his ride home is drinking steadily. He knows you’ve told him that he can always call for a ride, no questions asked. Do you want him to believe you, and call? Or he might think, “They said that, but I doubt they meant it.” How can you jump into the future and convince your son to call? By giving him a time-out today.
I know this is a strange leap to make, but it’s how kids’ brains work. Every time a child faces a behavior decision, if he thinks about it at all, he will wonder: “If I do ______ what will my parents really do?”
Your job is to teach your child that you will do what you said, every time. You need to be the most trustworthy person in his entire life.
• “If you speak to me that way one more time, we’re going home.”
• “If you hit, I will not play with you.”
• “If you don’t do as I said, you have to sit on the bench.”
• “If you get off that bench, you’re going to your room.”
• “If you come out of your room again, I’ll cancel your birthday party.”
Make sure your threats are promises and keep your promises. Every time. When you give the consequence you said, you are teaching your child, “You can count on me.”
What about the great promises? Keep them!
• “I’ll be there for the spelling bee.”
• “I’m coming up to read you a story.”
• “I’ll play with you when I’m done on the phone.”
• “You’ll see me before bedtime, or I’ll call if there’s a delay.”
• “I love you no matter what.”
Parent Q: I often threaten something but then back down because it seems too harsh. How can I teach my son to listen without being mean?
Many parents tell me that they back off a promised consequence because they can’t stand to hurt their child that way. If, in your moments of frustration, you make threats that are huge or unreasonable, do a little preparation. Make yourself a list of reasonable consequences that will still make an impression on your son. That way you won’t grope for a punishment and say something you are later unwilling to implement. When you enforce a consequence, you are not showing your child “I’m mean.” You are proving to your child that he can trust you, no matter what.
