sleep deprivation

By Danielle Christopher

“Love and Marriage. Love and Marriage go together like a horse and carriage…”

Married With Children’s theme song should have mentioned the baby in the carriage. Thirteen years of marriage with two cats, our family is getting a plus one.

I stare at the clean white tile in the shower. I think I just turned off the shower because I am dripping. I feel like I have come apart from myself. I towel off and look at my belly. There is someone in there now. The doctor confirmed it this morning. I have not told my husband. He is due home soon. I know he will be excited. I am still trying to comprehend it all.

Last summer I had walked away from the third doctor who confirmed that I would never get pregnant naturally. I was only a little sad. I had never felt the urge to be a mom.

On our thirteenth wedding anniversary, my husband announced he was ready to have kids. That was only two months ago. My brain was still trying to absorb my shock. We had been together for over fifteen years. Parenthood never found us. I was happy to not be a mom and have our freedoms.

I hear the car door slam outside. I hurry to get dressed and go downstairs to greet him. I pass by the wine rack filled with vintage wine that I will not sip for a long time. After idle chitchat, I ask him what he is doing September 6th (my due date). He got it. He picked me up and swung me around. Grabbing the camera, he recorded us minutes after we started to be a family.

Michael fills a glass of Perrier for me and cracks a bottle of wine to toast our news. I look longily at the wine. I swear I could smell it from feet away. With a tink of our cheers, our life began to change.

The rest of the pregnancy flew. I was in overdrive of work and packing up boxes. We were determined to move to a better neighborhood before our baby comes. When we were at pubs, I would indulge in a non-alcoholic beer (not the same but I pretended).

My husband’s life was still work and play. I did resent it at times. We took pre-natal classes together- got in trouble for talking. My body was so uncomfortable. In the eighth month, we settled in our new home. I went on maternity leave. All I could do was eat, sleep and pee. My sleepless nights already started before the baby was even here.

Eleven days overdue, I delivered a healthy, beautiful daughter. After the seventy hours of labour, I was euphoric to not be pregnant. The look my husband gave me after he met our daughter thrilled me. I never questioned if he would be a good dad. I worried that I would not be a good wife or mom (not necessarily in that order).

Weeks skated by. Holding my five-week-old daughter in the wee hours of the morning was exhausting and lonely. I let my husband sleep, as his job required him to be alert. I could not have him passing out on a roof.

When she turned eight weeks old, I found us in the living room again curled up on the couch, again. When I say ‘found ourselves’, it means I do not remember getting her. Sleep walking has become a norm. It is no wonder why at night when she finally sleeps, I do not want sex. I need sleep.

Michael understands, to a point. Sleep deprivation leads to my not eating well, eating junk because it is easier to find. My post partum is also heightened due to my inability to breast feed. A lot of baggage. The housework always is last on the list. I am not a great housekeeper or cook.

The next night after he came home from a guy’s night, I was so pissed off at his freedom that I picked a fight. I was ready to leave. Stay at home life is lonely.

Now, two years later, we are getting ready to go out on an actual date. My husband’s work Christmas party. Our newest baby daughter is fast asleep in her crib. Our three-year-old girl is in her pajamas waiting for her Auntie to come and baby sit. I do not know why I am so nervous. It is the first time we will have left our girls for a date. The baby should be okay for a couple of hours. Our eldest is happy her aunt is coming.

I know I owe my best friend some adult time. As soon as we left, it was as if I took a step into another world. It felt odd. Once we arrived, I place my cell phone discreetly in my lap and downed a glass of white wine. We sat in the middle of the table. I knew a few people and got in the conversations. After I talked about our girls, I was out of conversation. We sat there in comfortable silence. I still worried about the girls.

At the end of every day, I know how important it is to re-connect with my husband. We go days without any one on one time together. In the early parent days, we did fight a lot as the stress mounted.

Nowadays, we eliminate the useless small crap. It is a waste of our time. When we can not get a sitter to go outside the house for dates, we make sure we have date nights on the couch watching a show or movie, play on the Wii, sharing a bottle of wine and being cozy. Parked nearby is the baby monitor to remind us of reality. I never imagined I would be a mom. Now I can not imagine my life with out my girls or my husband.

Danielle Christopher is a stay-at-home mom of two daughters, ages one and three. She blogs for The Momoir Project and writes book reviews for Women’s Post. Her teen story is in the collection” Parent/Teen Stories: Without Judgement”. She lives with her husband of seventeen years and her girls in Langley, B.C. Follow her on Twitter.

by Elizabeth Pantley

In their efforts to encourage their baby to sleep better, one approach that many parents use is to put their baby to bed later in the evening. They think, “If he’s ‘really tired,’ he’ll sleep better, right?” Wrong! This often backfires because Baby becomes overtired and chronically sleep-deprived.

In the majority of cases, a baby’s biological clock is preset for an early bedtime. When parents work with that time, a baby falls asleep more easily and stays asleep more peacefully. Most babies are primed to go to sleep for the night as early as 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. I often hear about how babies and toddlers have a “meltdown” period at the end of the day, when they get fussy, whiny and out of sorts. I suspect that it’s simply a sign of overtired children longing for sleep.

Early to bed, early to rise?

For babies, early to bed does not mean early to rise! Most babies sleep longer with an earlier bedtime. Many parents are afraid to put their baby to bed so early, thinking that they will then face a 5 a.m. wake up call. But keeping your little one up too late backfires, and more often, a late night is the one followed by that early morning awakening.

My youngest child, two-year-old Coleton used to go to bed at 9:30, the time when my three older children went to bed, because it was convenient for me. At that time in the evening, it would take him a long time to get settled. I never connected his inability to settle with his late bedtime. When I started putting him to bed at 7:00, he fell asleep much more quickly and slept more soundly.

What About Working Parents?

If you are a working parent, and your evening with your little one begins at 6:30 or 7:00, you may find yourself torn between keeping your baby up for some playtime and getting him right to bed. You may find, though, that when your baby goes to sleep earlier, and sleeps better, he awakens in a pleasant mood, eager to play. Because you have gotten a good night’s sleep, you can consider getting up earlier in the morning and saving some time before work to play with your baby, as an alternative to that late-evening play session. You’ll both enjoy that special morning time. Later, when your baby is consistently sleeping all night, every night, you can move bedtime a little later and judge whether the difference affects your baby’s sleep.

Finding Your Baby’s Best Bedtime

It can take some experimentation to find your baby’s best bedtime. If you have been putting your baby to bed too late in the evening, you can approach this adjustment in one of two different ways:

Adjust your baby’s bedtime to be earlier by 15–30 minutes every two or three nights. Pay attention to how easily your baby falls asleep as well as his awakening time and mood to gauge the effectiveness of the changes until you settle on his best bedtime, or

Beginning at around 6:30 p.m., watch your baby closely. As soon as he exhibits any signs of tiredness (fussing, losing interest in toys, looking glazed, yawning) put him right to bed, even if his previous bedtime has been 11:00 p.m. When you do this, keep your home quiet and the baby’s room dark so that it resembles his usual environment in the middle of the night. If this bedtime is substantially earlier than usual, your baby may think he’s going down for a nap and awaken after a short snooze. If he does this, respond very quickly so that he doesn’t fully awaken.

Follow your usual method for helping him fall back to sleep, such as rocking or nursing; keep the room dark and quiet as you do during the middle of the night.

Here’s what Tammy, mother of seven-month-old Brooklyn had to say about changing her baby’s bedtime:

“I had been waiting until 10:00 to put Brooklyn to bed because that’s when I go to sleep. But your suggestion made so much sense that last night I put her down at 8:00. I loved having the evening to spend with my husband. We haven’t spent that much time alone together in months! And the baby actually had a better night’s sleep. I’m happy that all our needs can be met in such a pleasant way.”

It may take a week or more of adjustment to settle into a new bedtime, but once you do, you’ll find that both you and your baby are happier.

This is an excerpt from Elizabeth Pantley’s book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night. Elizabeth Pantley is a parenting educator and author of the No-Cry Solutions books. Visit her website.

Marriage and Parenthood

By Danielle Christopher

Early Bedtime Means Better Sleep

by Elizabeth Pantley