by an Anonymous Mom

I badly need advice on how I’ve been feeling these past weeks. I am 44 years old but I don’t look my age. In fact I still love toys and one of my happiness is watching my wide collection of branded toys.

I’m a mother of four kids. Our eldest is the only girl, age 17. Next are three boys age 13, 11 and 9. My husband is an executive and has a very high paying job. I was a Bank Officer until I decided to be a stay-at-home Mom after I gave birth to our second child.

My husband is a very, very good provider. We have a big house and we have three house helpers. We can practically buy all the things we want. I can do anything I want. My husband wants me to be happy.

As a SAHM, I enjoy working at home even if we have house helpers. I enjoy cooking. I also do online trading in the stock market. I can say I do well in trading. I make decent profits in the stock market equivalent to triple the salary of an ordinary employee working eight hours a day Monday to Friday. I’m sure a lot of working moms out there dream of being in my position right now.

We have a happy family. During dinner, my kids tell fun stories and they laugh a lot. But I avoid them. I don’t join them. I get irritated with their noise. Most of the day they are in school/office and when they get home, I nagged them for no reason.

Maybe because I envy that they have friends, they laugh and they have life outside the house unlike me. More so, I feel I’m just being taken for granted and everything I do is unappreciated. I give them everything they need and do everything for them yet no one appreciates. I feel they see me as just one of the helpers in the house. I tell myself this is not the kind of life I want. I feel also that my kids envy their classmates who have career moms. My kids never saw me in a corporate outfit since they were still babies when I resigned.

I want to have a fulfilling career outside. But I don’t like to be an employee again. Though I enjoy being a SAHM, I want them to miss me. I want the feeling that when they get home I am not home yet. I want to hear from them that I have no more time for them. I want them to be proud of me that I own a successful business and not just a plain housewife.

But I am afraid to push through with my plans. What if the business did not become successful? I’ll just be throwing time, effort and money and have the same feeling of failure. As I’ve said I’m earning profitably in the comfort of my own home at the same time enjoying all the things I have now.

What’s wrong with me? Am I just looking for a stone to hit my head? Am I just looking for a financial headache in the future?

Please enlighten me. Your comments will be greatly appreciated.