‘Tis the season to be jolly! 

Here are the best funny and classic Christmas quotes – enjoy!

~ FUNNY ~

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~Shirley Temple

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~Larry Wilde

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  ~Joan Rivers

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.  ~Dennis Miller

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d all be Jewish.  ~Benny Hill

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn’t for any religious reasons.  They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.  ~Jay Leno

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~Bill Watterson

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” ~Arlo Guthrie

Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal dr*g money?” ~Tom Armstrong

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. ~W. C. Fields

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” ~P. J. O’Rourke

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.  ~Richard Lamm

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time.  Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?  ~G.K. Chesterton

Christmas is for children.  But it is for grown-ups too.  Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts.  ~Lenora Mattingly Weber

 

~ CLASSIC ~

At Christmas, all roads lead home.  ~Marjorie Holmes

“I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” ~Harlan Miller

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. ~Carol Nelson

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  ~Charles Dickens

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.  ~Roy L. Smith

Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind.  To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.  ~Calvin Coolidge, 1927

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.  ~Carol Nelson

Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year – and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority.  ~W.J. Cameron

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.  ~Burton Hillis

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.  ~W.T. Ellis

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don’t clean it up too quickly.  ~Andy Rooney

Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.  ~Janice Maeditere

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.  ~Bob Hope

As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, Christmas is.  ~Eric Sevareid

Christmas gift suggestions:  To your enemy, forgiveness.  To an opponent, tolerance.  To a friend, your heart.  To a customer, service.  To all, charity.  To every child, a good example.  To yourself, respect.  ~Oren Arnold

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.  ~Harlan Miller

Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends.  ~Margaret Thatcher

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.  ~Norman Vincent Peale

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.  ~Erma Bombeck

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.  ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.  ~Washington Irving