Why is it Difficult for My Older Child to Go to Sleep on His Own?

Q:  Why is it difficult for my older child to go to sleep on his own?

Dr. G:

Falling asleep alone is a skill. Mastering this skill takes some people longer than others.

There are lots of factors to consider. I’m guessing from your question that your child does not have trouble falling asleep with company. Is this because he fidgets and plays and thinks about things, needing reminders to settle down and lay quietly? Is this because he feels lonely or scared by himself in bed? Is this because he is worried or anxious about something and needs the reassurance of someone who loves him to help him feel safe? Does he simply like the company?

Is the problem sleep itself? When children go through puberty, their hormone levels are changing. One of these hormones changes the timing of its peak, and this changes the child’s sleep-wake cycle. Most children during and after puberty have their wake cycle from about 11am – 1am. That means it is hard for them to wake up before 10 or 11am and very hard to fall asleep before midnight or one in the morning. Also, though it’s more common in adults, some children do suffer from insomnia.

Assuming your son can sleep if you’re beside him, it’s a good idea for him to learn the skill of falling asleep on his own. I suggest finding some reasons that he would like to have this skill. For example, maybe he wants to accept sleepover invitations but hasn’t because he feels he needs to be with you. Maybe the nights he is home with a sitter or you are away are very hard on him. Find some goal to motivate him.

Next, ask him what it is about your presence that helps him. What is the obstacle to sleep if he is alone? Listen to his answers without trying to fix the problem. If he isn’t sure, ask him to think about it. Also, you may have a sense of what the reasons are – ask him if you might be right.

Now that you have a better understanding about the problem, there are a few ways you can go about this:

1.  A step-by-step approach.

Start by sitting in a chair near his bed for a few nights, then by hanging out in the next room with the doors open, then by being on the same floor of the house. Let him see that he can (though it may take a while) fall asleep without you.

2.  A different approach.

Let your son know that you are not going to stay in the room with him anymore waiting for him to fall asleep. You will, however, check on him every five minutes. Not to ask if he needs anything, just to reassure him with your presence. Do your usual bedtime routine, tuck him in and then leave the room. Do come back every few minutes, say hi, tell him you love him, say goodnight. No drama, just calm, patient reassurance.

3.  A rewards method.

You can stop sitting with him cold turkey and reward him for each night that he falls asleep without coming out of his room. Research shows that this is effective only in the short-term, however. If he is worried that he really can’t fall asleep without you, this may prove to him that he can. However, if he knows he can and just doesn’t want to, this method will not work in the long run.

If you are worried that your son has enough anxiety or stress that he really needs your presence in all of his quiet time, he might benefit from a counselor to talk to as well. It is an important skill for children to learn – not only the ability to fall asleep, but also the ability to be alone.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website.