Getting Kids to Do More for Themselves in the Morning

by Sara Dimerman

My children are older – 12 and 20.  They are fully capable of making their own beds, for example, or bringing their laundry hampers into the basement.

So I have decided to step back so that they can step forward. After all, am I really doing them a favour in the long run by always doing for them what they can do for themselves?

I want to be clear that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “doing” for them. If my daughter is studying in her room, there’s nothing wrong with surprising her with a cup of hot chocolate and cookies, even though she can boil the kettle and make a snack herself. Nothing wrong with offering to drive her to a friend because it’s cold out and she’d otherwise have to take the bus. These are examples of ways I can show how much I care.

They differ, however, from feeling that I have to take responsibility because I think that it’s my obligation to do so or taking responsibility because I fear being blamed if I somehow don’t perform in a way that has become expected. It’s about doing because I want to, not because I feel I have to.

Here’s what I’m going to do differently so that the kids do more for themselves:

1. My first step back means that I have to make sure that both of the girls’ alarm clocks are in good working order and that they knew how to set them. Who am I kidding? They are more adept at making electronic things operational than I’ll ever be.

2. My next step involves sharing my intentions with them. Not in a way that makes them feel as if they are being punished, but in a loving, caring way. So, I told them – “I love you guys and I certainly don’t want to see you being late for school, but I’m also tired of and stressed about having to nag you to get out of bed in the morning. So, I’m giving you advance warning that as I won’t be waking you up anymore. It will be your responsibility to set your alarm and get yourselves up with sufficient time to get out of the house on time. I figure that you are more than capable of doing that.”

3. I need to remain steadfast and resolute.  I know that if I give in – even once – that the exception will become the rule and I will have blown my opportunity for a fresh start.

4. Once they have mastered getting themselves up in the morning, I can move onto other areas. The possibilities are endless. Imagine – I may even get them to make their own school lunches or order in pizza for the family!

Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families out of the Parent Education & Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ontario.  She is the author of two parenting books, ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’ and ‘Character Is the Key’ and is one of North America’s leading parenting experts. Learn more or listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching for “helpmesara” podcasts on iTunes or by visiting www.helpmesara.com