Kids Birthday Parties

By Maria Lianos

The Boss is turning 5 this week… OMG! The panic sets in – I have to throw a birthday party!

Planning a kid’s birthday party is like planning a mini-wedding. When did it become so complicated and expensive? Do I need to take out another mortgage for these events?

These Mommywood celebrity MILFs just make it very difficult for the average suburban mom to compete! Tori Spelling put a petting zoo in her backyard. The Cruise’s had a four-tier birthday cake. Britney Spears’ boys drove around in their own customized Ed Hardy cars.

So what does a commoner do? They throw extravagant birthday parties too.

They even have a reality show called “Party Mamas” featuring over-the-top moms who throw outrageously elaborate and pricey parties.

I’ve gone to parties where the parents are flustered but suck it up and drop well over $500 on the whole event. Impressive but who are we trying to please here? A 2-year-old whiney brat who won’t remember a damn thing?

From clowns to face-painters, trampoline parties to indoor playgrounds… from princess themed to pirates… one mom tries to outdo the next in hosting these birthdaypaloozas.

Those moms who have kids celebrating first thing in September think they have an edge; they’ll be the FIRST to host a party that school year. Then every mom after that has to outdo the previous party! It must be bigger and better.

Oh the pressure!

Does it get easier as the kids get older? Or do the parties become more of a competition once the kids start Grade 1? Is it just that these new moms feel like they have to show they are Martha Stewart? Or is it the kids who suddenly turn 8 and want the birthday fiasco?

Whatever happened to making a cake from a box? Cheezy streamers and confetti? After all, the kids want the presents. Period. Bring toys and get the hell outta here. Chips and a Duncan Hines birthday cake will suffice. A quick 1 to 1.5 hour party, come in – play a bit, sing happy birthday and out the door. Out the door with empty hands.

If guests are bringing a gift and I’m offering lunch, drinks and dessert, why the heck do I have to also give out loot bags? Isn’t the food and cake and balloons enough? Ok now I’m really starting to sound like my father.

Last year I did the most ridiculous thing; I hosted two birthday parties on the same weekend. Saturday for the Boss and his little posse with an hour of Playball fun, and Sunday for the whole whoppin’ famiglia. What was I thinking? At the time, I thought it was the greatest thing – two parties in one weekend, it’d be a birthday weekend extravaganza.

Loot bags, I even baked a character-themed cake from scratch
which took me an hour to bake the cake, plus another three hours to decorate the damn thing. It was exhausting. My own fault, of course, but still exhausting! I think it took me two days to recover from all the running around. After the weekend was over, I vowed never to do that again.

So this year, it’s back to the basics. Backyard barbeque, one party, one evening, just family. I invested in a blow-up bouncing castle (on sale) a la Little Tikes that blows up in 2 minutes or it’s free, and voila, instant chaos.

The kids will eat, drink, bounce and be merry right in my backyard. No extras, just food and drink… and the more drinks for me, the better. And they must contain vodka.