by an Anonymous Mom

I don’t know who I am.

I’ve never been defined by a job/career, a last name (Like Rockefeller), or being famous in any way.

I can’t sing well enough to do anything with. My dance lessons went by the wayside as did my other extracurricular activities. I’m not athletic, interestingly intelligent or interesting much at all.

I was sexually abused by a few trusted people in my life, none of which knew about the others. I got over it, didn’t want to let that be what defined me. I was also emotionally and mentally abused quite a bit over the years, again… that’s not who I am.

I have many hobbies, none of which I excel or even got above “Intermediate” at.

I’m not much of a protester, although I have and probably will again, but not in the sense that that’s who or what I could become, someone who is very passionate about a cause.

I’m nothing except existing.

Except, I’m a really good mother and wife. I make my husband very, very happy and he is my best friend. It’s really true love, and we work at it to keep it that way.

Some people say I’m an amazing mother, but as far as I’m concerned that still remains to be seen. I won’t pass judgment on that part of my life until the child is at least 30, then we’ll know for sure.

I am so angry, all of the time. I’m angry at humanity for destroying our only home. I’m angry at my husband for not knowing where all the dishes go. I’m angry at my child for being a child. I’m angry at my best friend for being a bitch and not realizing.

I’m angry at society for making certain things ok. I’m angry at the law for protecting bad people and punishing good ones based on technicalities, or stupidity. I’m angry at technology for being so awesome when all I want to do is live a simple life, technology free. I’m angry at money for making humanity self-destructive.

I’m angry at my parents for never making me finish anything, ever. I’m angry at myself for letting some of these things, and more, stop me from being who I want to be by allowing my apathetic self to use these as excuses for being nothing and no one.

I am angry that this is not depression speaking, but my real, true self.

Author

Maria Lianos-Carbone is the author of “Oh Baby! A Mom’s Self-Care Survival Guide for the First Year”, and publisher of amotherworld.com, a leading lifestyle blog for women.

6 Comments

  1. Dear Anonymous Mom,
    You are smart, you are beautiful, you are important.
    I have never met you, yet I know this to be true. You exist because you have a purpose on this earth and even if you do not see it today, one day you will.
    I promise.
    I encourage you to think about 1 thing that you love about yourself or 1 thing that you do well. Write it on a sticky note, read it often. Repeat it in your head.
    Being an incredible person does not mean being a perfect person. It sounds to me like you are good at lots of things which in my eyes is a lot better than excelling at only one.
    It’s ok to be angry. It’s healthy.
    {hugs} to you beautiful mom. May you feel even just a little encouraged today.
    ~Jody

  2. DITTO to everything Jody said!! This quote right here is MOST important… “Except, I’m a really good mother and wife. I make my husband very, very happy and he is my best friend. It’s really true love, and we work at it to keep it that way.” – with this… the rest will get better!
    Huge Hugs xox

  3. Anger (mostly at societal inequality and social ills) is definitely an emotion I’ve struggled with since becoming a parent. After my son was born, I had to filter my television viewing to avoid topics that would upset me for days. Now, I try not to think about those types of things too much. It’s a matter of keeping my sanity sometimes.

  4. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. But I’m happy to hear that you have a loving husband and children. You can find your strength in your family.

    But I am concerned about the feelings you harbour. Have you talked to a therapist? It might help you to deal with the horrible experience that no one should ever have to endure. Those emotions just don’t go away on their own – therapy would really help you in this case.

    I hope you at least see your doctor and talk about therapy as an option. Wishing you well!

  5. hey anonomom,
    i can totally relate. esp on the ‘my parents never made me finish anything’
    i struggled with that for a long time and when my son was born, i made the very difficult decision to be a different person because i didn’t want him to see me as a person that didn’t finish anything.
    you can change. it is really hard but you can do it.
    xo

  6. I LIKE WHO YOU ARE whoever you are 🙂 We should have coffee – except I hate coffee (that’s one thing I know about myself). Sounds like you know more than most. You know that parenting matters and our planet matters and LOVE matters! What else is there? Women who have dealt with abuse early on get a head start on the rest of us. You have to deal with pain and internal crisis very early on in life when everyone else is still sleepwalking. YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU ARE AWAKE! Rock on sista! You make my world a better place, just by existing in it… it’s the little things with a trickle effect, after all, that matter most. Thanks.

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