Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior? Don’t Fuel the Fire

There’s a new book out called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua.

An excerpt was published on Wall Street Journal Online titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” which caused a huge stir in the parenting community.

Why?  The title itself infuriated many.  The author writes about how the Eastern parenting style leads to successful children.

What does this mean exactly?  Well, imagine your child never having a play date.  Or sleepover. Never being in a school play. Never watching TV or play computer games. Never choosing their own extracurricular activities. Never playing sports. Never getting any grade less than an A. 

Always being the best in every subject in school (except gym or drama).  Only being able to play the piano or violin.  Having to practice the piano and violin for hours.

This is what Chua says in her book.  First of all, I don’t think it’s fair to give the article that appeared in the WSJ this title.  Chua doesn’t represent all Chinese parents.  This is one woman’s thoughts on Chinese parenting styles and doesn’t represent all Eastern philosophy. 

The title of the article in WSJ clearly proves this book was being marketed specifically to cause controversy and get people talking – and it’s already working!  It is destined to be a best-seller now.  The book has already reached the number 6 slot in the Amazon sales rankings on Tuesday, the day it was released.

But let’s get back to what Chua says in the book.  A strict upbringing to the extreme.

Can you imagine?  Not fostering creativity or imagination in your child?  Never allowing your child to have friends over?  Playing hockey or soccer?  Being scolded for getting a B or even an A-? 

My parents were Greek immigrants and they were pretty strict.  I understand now why they raised us the way they did.  But growing up was never this rigid.  I have taken some of the values I learned from their parenting and use them with my own children.

Putting so many restrictions and rules on your child may just backfire later on in the teenage years when kids are known to rebel and act out.  The last thing you want is your children to have feelings of resentment, anger and blame.

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away,” she writes.

What is wrong with taking dance lessons or playing the guitar?  Are there no skills learned in these activities? 

Will playing the violin and piano lead to every child becoming a composer?  No.

Will a child spending three hours on math homework result in a mathematician?  No.

Preparing your children for the future doesn’t have to be without having a fun, happy childhood.

“Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there’s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn’t.” 

Reverse psychology at its finest.  Not let your kids give up by pounding into them that they must never fail? That they have to be perfect?

What about the negative effects of making your child feel like they are not good enough?  That unless they get A+  or play the piano recital perfectly, they are not worthy?  The fear that is placed within them so that they must never make a mistake?  The strive for perfection?  That puts a lot of pressure on an adult let alone a child!

That’s not a way to remember your childhood – having fear of not being good enough.  This can only lead to feelings of lack of self-worth.  Never being good enough for your parents.  Always looking for approval.

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Some are saying that Ms. Chua’s mothering skills are too harsh and calling it even emotional abuse.  Some say she is depriving her children of creativity and imagination and a social life.

Will Chua’s children end up being happier in the long-run?  Will those parents who are extremely strict have children with better jobs?  Will they be wealthier?  Will they look back and wish they were given more freedom?

Maybe yes, maybe no. 

But while this controversy has many angered, it also has many questioning their own parenting skills.  It’s not a bad thing to re-examine your parenting style and see where you can improve.

But when you lump a group of people into one pile, it’s sure to raise some brows. 

Are all Western parents too soft?  No.  Should all Western parents show more tough love?  No. 

Some? Perhaps.

Is it fair to say that all Chinese parents are high on the pedestal of parenting because they value high grades more than anything else? No.

Are all Western parents too indulgent of their children? No.  Are all Eastern parents too strict? No.

Some, perhaps.

Children are not meant to be programmed the way Chua describes.  Our job as parents is to guide, encourage and support our children to become happy, respectful and good citizens of society.   Our job is to provide the opportunities for our children to realize their own potential.  To give them the means to become the good people they will grow up to be.

I know that I will push my own children to excel in everything they do.  I will guide and nurture their hopes and dreams and help them along their path.

Just like with everything, there cannot be one extreme or another.  There must be a good, healthy balance of both parenting styles – no extremes. 

Culture, race, religion – parents all have the same responsibility and that is to love, respect and nurture your children to be the best people they are meant to be.

To those Western parents who are reacting defensively?  Don’t. 

Just because Chua has published this book and has a Harvard degree, it doesn’t make her an authority on parenting.

Every parent is their own authority.   Whatever works for you and your family is always the best way.