In honour of the 2012 Olympic Games, we need to have our own competition – for parents!
Here are the events:
The parent who can throw a heavily-soiled diaper the furthest.
100 meter race:
Chasing after your child in an open field.
Parents must race through an obstacle course and jump hurdles without stepping on any of the scattered toys, Lego (damn those hurt), clothes, furniture, dirty diapers, baby throw-up and other lovely baby items scattered along the course.
The first part is getting three kids ready for school – this event kicks off at home, getting the kids ready for school; breakfast, brushing teeth and getting dressed.
The second part of the competition is to load the kids into the car, go to the drive-thru bank machine and coffee shop and scarf down a bagel while putting on make-up (moms only).
The third is getting unloading the kids and getting them into school before the bell rings.
The first parent to do this wins the gold medal.
The mother with the largest circumference of her pregnant tummy at eight months, wins the trophy.
Shopping Cart Race:
The parent who manages to buy everything off a detailed grocery shopping list first, without buying anything for their accompanying tired, cranky, hungry kids.
The parent who can function the longest with two hours of sleep – without any coffee or caffeinated beverages – and manages not to scream at their children.
Dads will show their strength and muscle in this competition by lifting their babies (must be over 20 pounds) up over their shoulders and back again. The dad who lasts the longest, wins.
A race amongst moms to see who can change the dirtiest diaper the fastest and cleanest first. Any remaining bits will be cause for disqualification.
A battle between mom and the mom who judges her for her parenting style.
Winner of this event will be the mother who has had the longest day of her life with the kids and STILL wants to have sex with her husband, with no convincing or bribing of any kind.