Kids Are Gross

by Alexandria Durrell

I’ve been a parent for almost seven years now, which means I’ve experienced the following wonderful moments:

1. Had vomit run a chunky river down my cleavage
2. Wondered whether a brown stain on my jeans was chocolate or poop
3. Been given the gift of a picked-off scab
4. Been peed on while wiping the child who says, “I’m do-oooone!”
5. Been peed on in the middle of the night by the child who says, “I don’t have to go one more time before sleep!”
6. Seen more pus than one person should ever have to see
7. Had boogers wiped on my cheeks, hands, shirt
8. Worn clothes with spit-up all day (and night, who’m I kidding?)
9. Wiped snotty noses with my bare hands
10. Picked squiggling lice and sticky nits out of my kids’ hair for four hours
11. Picked eye boogers out of my kids’ eyes

Let’s just face it: kids are gross.

For every aww-moment, there are thirteen disgusting ones waiting around the corner. But for all these gag-worthy things we endure, the one thing that truly turns my stomach is this: The Booger.

I can’t handle this, people. The mucus in a nose shouldn’t be snorted back into your throat for swallowing, expelled onto the street, or picked out, rolled into a ball and flicked or, gah, eaten. There are tissues for good reason, and every parent should own shares.

When recently discussing with my kids why the snot they find so hilarious is so very, very dirty, I discovered some interesting things. Now, I’ve lived almost 40 years believing that the dirt, germs and grime that a nose filters out are fit only for the garbage, and are certainly not something to snack on. (Oh man, the thought alone makes me queasy.) But apparently, I’m wrong.

According to recent studies, eating a booger is snot so bad. A body needs to build immunity to germs, and in order to do so, must be exposed to them. Ergo, if you eat the mucous that contains these germs, you build a tolerance to them and in the end be a healthier person. Following?

I didn’t even know where to go with this information. How do I tell my three-year-old that shoving his finger knuckle-deep into his nasal cavity and tasting his treasures isn’t as bad as I want to believe it is? What will this do to society if this kind of information gets out? Havoc, my friends, havoc.

Maybe this one stays in the vault along with the Tooth Fairy, Santa and the Easter Bunny for now.

Alexandria Durrell digs her humour like she likes her wine…dry. With a bite. She knows the lyrics to pretty much every song ever written, has a weakness for plaid and for all her complaining, she always finds the silver lining.  Her two kids and one husband (for now…she’s evaluating the benefits of Brother Husbands) are the things that make her happiest and most frustrated in life, and there’s not a thing she’d change about that.  Despite the name, she blogs here but is usually found in her pajamas on Twitter.