by an Anonymous Mom

We hear all to often about how sex is one of the most important things in a marriage. But why it is still the major source of issues in most?

As I write this, I am in the middle of one of the worst points in my marriage. We are on the edge of separation; the edge of ripping our family apart and the biggest issue is sex. The lack of it and how unhappy my husband is…

You see we are like most couples in there 30s with young kids, he has a very successful career and I have a very successful business. We are busy, he is going here and I am going there. At the end of the day, okay really at the end of the week we realize we are like ships crossing in the sea. Between the kids, his commitments with work, traveling and his own personal activities he isn’t around most nights. The odd time I get out just adds to it, we are never together. Well unless you count the four hours we might actually be sleeping in the same bed or the weekend days when we are busy with household chores, family time activities with the kids.

So what is left as time for sex?

Is this what the modern marriage is like? Are we all too busy with all of life’s crap?

We argue about it all the time. He isn’t satisfied and wants it all the time. I get frustrated because he makes it out like it is my fault, sorry but I think you need to be around to get it.

Am I unreasonable to think that doing it in the middle of the night is a bit much? I am tired, I deal with the kids all day, I put them to bed although they don’t go and I am usually falling asleep before them at almost midnight. I am up every morning with them, I am tired, so much so that a Saturday night for me consists of falling asleep on the couch by 9pm!

Am I unreasonable to think that I would like my husband to actually want to hang out with me and maybe that might just make me want to get intimate with him?

Is there ever a common ground when it comes to sex?

Do some men just have an unrealistic view on what a married couples sex life is like? Does everyone have lots and lots of it and I am just a horrible wife?

I think for a man it is easy to get your wife in the mood. Cook dinner and do the dishes, tell her to put her feet up, let her sleep in, take the kids out and let her have a couple hours to herself or in my case maybe go to bed at the same time I do or actually want to hang out with me.

So here I sit, at a point in my life that the decisions that could be made are HUGE… there is a lot more besides just the sex issue.

As a woman and wife, do you just give them exactly what they want to keep them happy even if it means that you won’t be happy?

Author

Maria Lianos-Carbone is the author of “Oh Baby! A Mom’s Self-Care Survival Guide for the First Year”, and publisher of amotherworld.com, a leading lifestyle blog for women.

10 Comments

  1. I am thankfully not in this position at this point in my life but know far too many who are. I think both parties have to be happy, which often means redefining happiness. Try to remember what made you fall in love in the first place and remind him of the things you both used to enjoy making time for. I wish I could give you a gigantic hug. You are not alone.

  2. I am so sorry you are going through hard times right now. There are rough patches in every marriage. It sounds like you want things to be better – I would encourage you to seek some counseling. You could talk to your doctor, a therapist, a minister, or read… I know it sounds so corny but the best thing I ever read (although its very dated) was “The 10 second Kiss” by Ellen Freidman. I’d encourage you to be kind to yourself as well as each other. Just hold on tight – and don’t give up on each other.

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      Thanks for sharing your words of encouragement with our anon mom. That book might provide some help 🙂

  3. Eek….as a married woman…if you love your husband you MAKE the time, regardless of what time the alarm clock says. 🙂 I think there’s bigger issues here than just a time crunch? Make your marriage #1 and you’ll STAY MARRIED.

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      It’s gotta be a challenge to make the time when both parties are exhausted or on different schedules. But at least every Saturday night should be set aside for mommy/daddy time, right?

  4. We’ve had our difficulties in this area. I’m a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids and a dog I care for all day, every day. Our youngest still has some sleep issues so some nights I’m exhausted come bed time and I just want to unwind before bed. Then there is DH. He works long hours and works shift work, throw in sleep apnea and he’s constantly exhausted. Sometimes to the point where I’m the one in the mood and he’s the one falling asleep and not interested. We have our bad times, but we keep trying. We try to sit and even watch tv together whenever possible, or soemthing as simple as remembering to kiss or hug each other (I couldn’t believe how little we cuddle any more).

    I understand work and kids making things difficult and some things you can’t change, but I think if it got that bad, I’d want to schedule out some “us” time, screw everyone else. If you know that you both have Saturday’s off, then maybe see about getting someone to take the kids for the night, or if that isn’t possible, just schedule time when your both at home and make an effort to spend time together. It requires a huge effort on both parts though. I’ve been at the stage where I’m falling asleep and forced myself awake just to have sex (yes, i did wake up pretty quick once it got started), and DH understands he needs to commit to spending time with me if he wants any. If DH was mad at me that we didn’t have sex enough, but then went out when he really didn’t need to, then I would probably wonder why he just wants me on his schedule.

    It’s a compromise and both parties have to be willing to work at it.

    Either way, good luck!

    • Maria @amotherworld Reply

      Thanks for sharing your story! It’s so important to set aside that alone time – without the kids – and have regular date nights. It does take huge effort but I think it will definitely pay off. I’m glad to hear that you both are making such an effort to keep the spark alive 🙂

  5. This is very, very common. A friend & I were just talking/complaining about this. She was outraged when her husband suggested letting her sleep in the next morning in exchange for sex. I said that sounded like a fair trade to me. 🙂 The thing I find the most frustrating, as you pointed out, is it’s not like it would take a huge effort on the guy’s part to help his wife get in the mood. SOME effort is required, though — from both parties. I think it’s important to recognize it’s not just your problem. He’s got to work at it, too.

  6. Something makes me think the issue isn’t really about sex. The author says more than once that her husband isn’t around and doesn’t seem to want to spend time with her. I think there are bigger issues here that need to be addressed and the sex will take care of itself.

    Yes, we are all busy and yes, it is a difficult time, but when you are both so busy, something is going to have to give. It appears right now that it is your marriage. That is a choice you are both making. Either your marriage is a priority enough that you choose something else to “give” or you end up divorced. Maybe it is one or both of you cutting back on your work hours, maybe it is making one day or one evening sacrosanct for the two of you where you farm out the kids, neither of you are allowed to work and the first hour you each do something by yourself that you want to do (sleep, read, bubble bath). Once you have taken care of yourself, the rest of the time you devote to each other.

  7. Sex can be a touchy subject for many women and recently I’ve seen a LOT more couples delve into the Open Marriage lifestyle (maybe they have always done it but it certainly is becoming less and less taboo).

    I’m going to throw this out there: Men don’t read our minds. Ever. You REALLY need to be like the guy at the airport waving in the planes, giving them directions, telling them what YOU want because otherwise don’t expect him to guess.

    Here’s a tip: Get yourself all worked up before he gets home, read some online erotic (might I recommend Lushstories.com), do whatever you need to do to tweak that sex drive into action.

    Also you may want to read this feature I did for MOM Magazine about Lushstories.com and why more and more women are joining online erotica sites. It’s fascinating and you may find yourself relating to some of the women I interviewed.

    Good luck regardless of what happens. Life is too short to be unhappy.

    http://mommagazine.ca/Sex.htm

    Cheers!
    tamara

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