I am a mother of a 19 month old girl. I broke it off with her father about a year ago, and have been dating a new guy for almost 4 months.
I realized a while ago I am in love with him, but I can’t bring myself to tell him for fear of rejection. I actually think he is probably going to break up with me.
I get 2 or 3 days off per week when my ex takes my daughter, and usually take that time to see him. Practically every parent I know (including my mother) judges me harshly for having that much time away from my daughter. I feel like I can’t be a good parent when I do have her as I am swimming in debt and always living paycheck to paycheck.
I don’t do anything anymore; I mostly just lay in bed and let my daughter do whatever. When I don’t have her I clean the house and get drunk. I have been trying to drink less, actually succeeding for the most part, but I still find I want more time off.
I am shutting everybody out, and having a hard time expressing any sort of love to anyone around me. Sometimes I think I don’t have it in me to love.
I wish I didn’t bring a child into a world where I knew I wouldn’t stay with the father, and knew I don’t have the skills and experience to provide more than basic necessities.
I have been crying for two days straight and my boyfriend is ignoring me. I don’t want to go to counselling since I know exactly what they will say. I have been in counselling for years in the past and already have the skills to help myself, but I just can’t. I want to run away from everything and start fresh in another city, far away.
I feel like I am only hurting my daughter by continuing to be the person I am. I am not fit to be a mother. I know I am selfish, but I feel like I am bringing myself furthur into depression if I continue trying to sacrifice my own happiness for my daughters.
I have attempted suicide in the past, and can feel myself headed in that direction. I don’t know what to do. I am posting this here because I know if I told anyone I know how I feel, they would judge me even more or send me to the psych ward to be fed anti-depressants and chemicals that I know don’t work for me.
I just need someone to give me feedback. Any feedback. I know a lot will be negative, but at least it will be from people who don’t know me personally.
I just need something.