written by an Anonymous Mom

I am a mother to a soon to be 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I have been a stay at home mom for a year now and hate it.

I love my kids but sometimes I wonder if this is what I really wanted.

When I got married my husband wanted kids and I told him that I wanted kids too but in the back of my mind I wasn’t sure. I feel so alone now.

I have absolutely no friends. I am not close with my husband’s family and I’m not close enough to mine that I want to talk about this with them and I am an only child.

My husband has never helped me with the kids. Only when I worked is when he had to take care of them. I have asked him why he doesn’t help and he said that it was my job. I told him that they are his kids too but he made up the excuse that he works too much.

He recently became self-employed.  He is now home more often and working from the house. I now feel like I have to take care of three children.

I will admit that our marriage isn’t the greatest and we have little sex… but mainly because I don’t want it. If I ask him to watch the kids while I run to the store he will make up an excuse why he can’t and often say I will get what you need while I’m out later.

I’ve even gotten up early in the morning before anyone else to go to the grocery store so he wouldn’t have to watch them. He knows that I’m tired of the kids and need to get away for a while but he doesn’t let it happen. If I want to go shopping for the day I have to take the kids to my parents.

We have no babysitters or friends that will watch our kids my parents will only watch them during the day. We have not gone out in 4 years to have our time together. My husband doesn’t like to take the kids anywhere because of the way they act in public. So we never go anywhere. But he thinks it’s okay to go play poker or shoot some pool at night when its bedtime for everyone else.

My kids are making me crazy. I get mad at them for no reason. I don’t want to play with them at times. I leave the TV on most the day so they will leave me alone.

I feel like I have no life.  I feel like my husband is holding me hostage so he doesn’t have to take care of the kids.

I’m so unhappy with my life right now. There are so many things I could go on about but I will leave it at that.

 

AMW Editor:  Please let a comment for this mom – it might just cheer her up or help her.

Author

Maria Lianos-Carbone is the author of “Oh Baby! A Mom’s Self-Care Survival Guide for the First Year”, and publisher of amotherworld.com, a leading lifestyle blog for women.

14 Comments

  1. You are me 10 years ago. I have been at home for 12 years – not all of them fun and fantastic. The early years of kids are probably the most trying on any marriage. We almost threw in the towel too. I refused sex because I didn’t want to get pregnant, but also because I was resentful of my husband who was busy building his own business.
    Time and some marriage counselling really helped us.
    One thing I really wish I had embraced was leaving the kids with a sitter – a non-family member (we don’t have family support nearby either). If money is an issue – find a playgroup and network with some other mom to trade babysitting. I would have built this into my budget – it is definitely money well spent.

  2. I was a stay at home mom for almost 5 years.

    I did enjoy most of that time, but unlike you, I had a very close community of other moms who helped me out and gave me support.

    When I did start to feel resentful and cooped up I usually directed those feelings at my kids, even though they were not the cause of my problems.

    If you can afford it, maybe there is a gym nearby that has childcare, or a preschool you could put them in a few times a week.

    Your husband sounds like he is stuck in the 1950’s and could use a wake up call. The kids are his too, and if he wants to have a wife around to enjoy life with, sounds like he needs to wake the hell up.
    Best of luck to you!

  3. Kelly and Theresa both make excellent points. I can only add that you find something you have fun doing…something that makes you happy. You deserve to be happy.

  4. she doesn’t need to be “cheered up” she’s depressed and living a life that is making her depressed. She would benefit from doing more adult things, getting out of the house (my mom used to swap kids with a friend so they each had some alone time), seeing a therapist, exercising more, perhaps having a come to Jesus talk with her husband about helping, perhaps visiting a divorce attorney.

    There are massive issues in this short post. I wish her the best of luck.

  5. Pam @writewrds Reply

    You might even want to start with a moms-and-kids library program or one at a local community centre — anything that gets you out of the house and meeting other people. You can actually make friends — and good ones — with your kids in tow.
    It’ll make a world of difference if you take one step at a time and do something social that makes you feel good.

  6. I am so sorry that you are so unhappy. I would really love for you to see your doctor and talk about how you’re feeling. I’d like for you to run through a checklist to see if you are indeed depressed. You don’t have to feel this way! You can get help.
    You also need to have a good long talk with your husband about how you’re feeling – and how you feel about him. The fact that you are not happy with the way he is around the house needs to be addressed.
    Depending on where you live, I urge you to find an Early Years Centre or a mom’s group so you can get out and socialize with other moms with kids.
    I’d also suggest finding a part-time job just so you can get out of the house for a while.
    Please don’t give up hope – things will get easier.

  7. I feel everyone is missing the point. It’s a good idea to suggest to find playgroups and help with the children but the real issue lies with the fact that her husband believes the children are her responsibility and her’s alone!

    I’ve also been in a similar situation, where my now ex-partner, stepped away from ‘parenting’ because he worked F/T self-employed. I was working from home, trying to run a small business and of course, had less earning potential, so he left the parenting/administration/cooking/cleaning at my feet. And I accepted it believing he was right!

    I did it for 1 year but resented him. We went to a relationship counsellor which helped him to understand where I was coming from and cross over to my world. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long and 1 year later he left. No Click he said! Of course, there wasn’t! I was the mum at home, groaning about the cleaning, cooking and school runs. I’d turned into somebody I didn’t recognise and never dreamed of becoming and I allowed him to do that to me!

    This is not a healthy way to live your life. Please, please seek help through a professional and either do this with your husband or alone. Either way, you might just get him to understand and change his outlook, or you might find the strength to make necessary changes for yourself.

  8. I know words through the internet from complete strangers can sound trite, but you are NOT a bad mother. Don’t EVER feel that way. The fact that you are aware of your situation and are reaching out to people in a public forum suggests that you are at a turning point. You do sound as though you should try to talk to a therapist. I know that can seem frightening, but it is a wonderful way to have someone listen, really listen, and show you ways to help yourself. It does not make you a failure. It makes you someone who is willing to take care of her family by first taking care of herself, which can make all the difference in the world. If you are close with your parents, perhaps you can talk to them as well. Your own mother might turn out to be a surprisingly helpful resource, if you are comfortable talking to her.

    I don’t claim to know exactly how you feel, because everyone’s struggle is different. But I do understand depression and anxiety, and it can be devastating if untouched by outside help. My own husband wasn’t even aware that any of that was going on inside my head until I had a breakdown, even after two years of battling with myself.

    I hope your husband would consider marriage counseling. It sounds as though he is completely oblivious, or in denial, about your suffering. Sometimes people are blissfully ignorant.

    I wish you all the best, and know that there are people out there who care about you and want you to be able to enjoy yourself, your marriage, and motherhood.

    You are worth it. And it WILL get better.

  9. I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I would suggest finding a support group or network for yourself. I know it might seem hard to get out of the house with the kids if you are feeling down, however it sounds like you are isolated with not a lot of friends or family to help. Going with your kids to a playgroup or a family centre will get you out and interacting with adults who may be going through similar challenges. It may seem like a small thing, but once you start going out and connecting with other moms you may make some friends for both yourself and your little ones.

    Like many others have suggested it’s a good idea to seek some therapy and please, please speak to your doctor about this.

    Contact your health unit, there are many programs out there that can support your through this and where you can build a support network for yourself.

    Honestly, If you want to stay home with your kids, this may be hard to do, but try to “fake it, until you make it” with your kids… get out of the house, do something fun! Force yourself even if you don’t feel like going out and doing something fun and interactive – just do it! The days when you REALLY don’t feel like it, that’s the day when you should try and push yourself to do it.

    It can be a walk around the block while counting, it can be a trip to the playground, it can be a playdate with other moms and kids, it can be a trip to the local family centre.

    This too shall pass! You are not the only one to go through this and things will get better.

    If you do not want to be a stay at home mom, don’t force yourself. It’s more important to be a happy mom spending quality time and enjoying it than staying home because you feel you have to and then not enjoying any of it.

    Before making any decisions about your marriage, speak to your doctor and get some therapy first. Perspectives change when we are depressed.

    Good luck! Hugs

  10. Grace Sevilly Reply

    Why not try to do something online..like build a blog and monetize it so you can do something worthwhile when you are home?

  11. Tania @momandbabybeautiful Reply

    There are lot’s of mom groups out there that you may be interested in joining. I was new to my city when I first had my last daughter and I didn’t know anyone either. I know it’s not easy, but I joined some groups and met a few really nice mom’s that I am still friends with today! Then I started blogging and I have a whole bunch or great online friends.

    Good Luck!
    Tania

  12. Sweetie, you are not alone. I feel the same way you do everyday. It is not easy being a stay-at-home mom, and it seems our husbands think it’s a piece-of-cake. They either don’t care, or don’t understand that we need to still be looked at and treated like a woman, not just a mother or housewife. I, too, could go on and on about my frustrations of being a SAHM, but I would never stop typing!

  13. Wow, reading all these posts from moms is almost therapeutic! I can totally relate – with the frustration, isolation and resentment that comes with being a new/stay-at-home-mom. Thankfully, my husband is very helpful even with his full-time day job (e.g., he cooks, he watches the kids while I go to the store). Still we had to physically move closer to my hometown and battle my depression before I felt like myself again. It’s true, you really do have to have a big painful discussion with your husband about what you need from him before you can start feeling better and enjoy being a mother again. I still have my rough days and I feel so bad after I yell/get angry at my preschooler. But it’s just so exhausting to always be taking care of someone else’s needs all day. I’m still working on my temper. You should definitely get a sitter once in awhile so you can find yourself again and rekindle your relationship with your husband (if he’s tries to change his ways!). All the best!

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