parenting
A Different Perspective: Bicycle Built for Six
by Lianne Bergeron
I own a bicycle built for six.
The reason I wanted to start with that statement is because it sums up a whole lot about my life at the moment.
I am a Canadian mom living in Holland, land of the bikes. I have four kids, aged 4,5,7 and 8 – who all have their own bikes but prefer to be chauffeured around in mine. I do everything with my bike: grocery shopping, school pick-ups, doctor’s appointments, date nights etc. It has become a part of me, my daily life. My legs are also in good shape, which is an added bonus. People don’t recognize me if I’m not using my bike. It’s a one of a kind!
I am an entrepreneur. I have worked for as long as I can remember. I spent many years in new media – teaching and consulting – all over the world, which is also how I met my husband. He hired me for a project – and that was that. (I still sent him my invoice by the way…)
Flash forward to baby number four! I had to stop working. I was so tired that I was running on adrenaline, which in turn, kept me awake at night even when everyone was sleeping. For two years, we slept every afternoon from 1-3pm. No exceptions. I kept busy with daily life but found myself volunteering for big school projects, committing to sitting on the board of the daycare, etc. I am someone who likes to work.
Lianne and her kids
Last year I picked up an idea that I had worked out while expecting my third child. It was based on a successful booklet I had written some time ago for photographers about digital photography. It was Q&A based, postcard size and a great success. The outcome has led to a series of booklets called: Lianne’s Quick Guide for the Busy Woman.
The first is about Babies 0-6 months and the next two (expected by summer 2012) are Babies 6-12 months and First Aid (daily life style). They are Q&A based, small and to the point and I love them.
But now that I’m back at work with a full load of kids, I have to figure out balance. It was never an issue. I worked a lot – had long vacations. Then I had a lot of kids. Now I have to find a way to combine the two without compromising too much on what’s important for Me – Lianne and Me – the mother.
Living in Holland helps with that. People take time to enjoy life in a way that North American’s don’t. They say that Dutch mothers are the most balanced. What do I think? Stay tuned!
Lianne Bergeron is an author and entrepreneur who lives and works near Amsterdam with her Dutch husband and four kids. She’ll share her life abroad without family support, kids that speak Denglish and traditions that aren’t hers. Life with four kids and 10 bikes and her on-going quest to balance it all on her bicycle built for six. Follow her on Twitter and read more about her books at LiannesQuickGuide.com.
Is Your Child Easily Distracted?
Is your child inattentive or hyperactive? Is your child easily distracted?
Have you caught yourself saying the following:
- my kid gets distracted easily
- my kid can’t focus
- my kid is hyperactive
Sara Dimerman has a great podcast on Parenting a distractible, inattentive or hyperactive child.
If you’re concerned that your child may be more distractible, inattentive or hyperactive than the average child his or her age, then you’ll want to listen to this episode.
You will learn more about why this happens, what to do and not to do about it and what resources and supports are available to you and your child.
Hear Sara Dimerman in convesation with Carol Barber and Kate Davidson, members of the College of Psychologists of Ontario on this HelpMeSara Podcast.
or subscribe to “helpmesara” on itunes
Ask Dr. G: Why Do My Kids Fight All the Time?
Do your children argue? How would you describe their fighting?
Cats and dogs? Tigers and bears?
The question is – why but why?!?
Q: Why do my kids fight all the time?
A: Dr. G: Siblings fight for three reasons. Familiarity, competition and safety.
Familiarity.
There is an old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. It is certainly true that siblings often express contempt for each other. Brothers and sisters do not find any topic to be off limits. They will insult each others’ clothes, friends, words, hobbies. Truly nothing is off limits without parental intervention.
The flip side of this scrutiny is often (grudging) respect. Kids know, even if they don’t voice it, all of the great qualities in their siblings. The admiration often turns to envy, though, and that makes the next issue worse.
Competition.
Siblings feel the need to compete about nearly everything! In my house I have heard the words “I can pee faster than you!” and “the door on my room is crookeder than yours!” The drive to compete is inborn, and parents can guide it but we’ll never get rid of it entirely.
Children use competition to figure out their strengths and weaknesses and to learn life skills. Through their endless games and races and comparisons, they realize that not everyone is great at everything. They learn to improve what is important to them and to focus on their strengths. They discover strategy.
This competition, mixed with familiarity, has other advantages! Siblings act as reality checks for each other. When one’s clothes or words or behavior are socially unacceptable, a sibling will not hesitate for a second to say so. “You’re not wearing *that* are you?” “Don’t pick your nose, it’s disgusting and you’ll have no friends.” “When you laugh like that you sound like an idiot.”
Safety.
When children here these messages from friends, it can ruin the friendship. The sibling relationship is permanent. The certainty of family can increase the fighting. For the same reasons that kids’ behavior is often worse at home than anywhere else, sibling relationships are often where kids let loose with their most negative emotions.
This is a picture of what our kids will do to each other if parents don’t take a guiding hand. Just because behaviors are developmentally normal doesn’t mean they are acceptable! As we correct our toddlers when they hit and bite, we can teach our children that they owe each other respect.
If kids are raised in a home where criticism is offered measured with kindness, and name-calling is not allowed, then the fighting will take a more reasonable tone.
Our children are more familiar with each other than with anyone else in the world. They will compete, to one degree or another, for years. It is up to us as parents to make sure that home is truly a safe place. We needn’t intervene in every disagreement. We must, however, insist on a baseline of respect from each person to every other.
What our kids do and what they say is more important than how they feel. With this truth in mind, we can create a cushion of respectful behavior. Then we can allow the natural familiarity and competition to form our kids into the great adults they can become!
Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website.
Stop the Mom Wars and Labels
Why do we label each other?
Here is a list of labels we have for men who have kids:
- Dad
- Stay at home Dad
Now here is a list of labels we have for women who have kids:
- Alpha mom
- Baby-wearing mom
- Beta mom
- Bottle-feeding moms
- Breastfeeding moms
- Crunchy mom
- Granola mom
- Helicopter mom
- Slacker mom
- Soccer mom
- Stay-at-home mom
- Soggy mom (this one I first heard from @tzenaki81)
- Tiger mom
- Type A mom
- Type B mom
- Working mom
- Work at home mom
And I’m sure I’ve forgotten some…. Why do we have to slap those labels on ourselves?
No one is putting that label on us – we seem to be doing it to ourselves.
OK yes, we all tend to slap a label on each other – Sally is the domestic diva while Margaret is the powerhouse business woman.
But when it comes to parenting?
The stereotypes always seem to be the extremes. Some women may closely fit the descriptions and you might be wondering, where do you fit in?
If I have to slap a label on myself, I would say I’m neither Alpha nor Beta, helicopter nor slacker… so what does that make me?
The point is you don’t have to fit in anywhere.
I’m just a Mom who loves her kids and wants to raise them as best as I can. Motherhood isn’t a competition.
I just want my kids to grow up to be good, loving and empathetic people in society. My job is to help them get there.
Every so often you hear about the latest “mom war”. Why do we have to battle anyway? Women can be so catty and judgmental towards one another.
Why do we compare each other when instead we should be supporting each other? We finally have choices yet we still find ways to bash each other’s choices.
So why do we do it? We’re all guilty of it!
Perhaps we’re all just trying to find our way and fit in somewhere, feel a sense of belonging to a group – it’s simply human nature to want to feel accepted.
Maybe the labels keep happening because we are still talking about it, reinventing new names to label ourselves even further.
Let’s just stop with the labels we give ourselves and accept that we are all unique and we all rock!
7 Things You Don’t Really Need to Buy for Baby
With the prospect of welcoming a new addition to your family, expectant parents may be overwhelmed by all of baby products available out there.
What do you decide to purchase for the baby’s nursery?
Well, if you’re on a budget like many young families, this list of things you don’t really need for your baby might help.
There are a few baby items you don’t really need to buy. Save yourself from some clutter; even better, you’ll save money.
Diaper Pail
It’s messy and ugly and if you can figure out how to use it properly, it will still stink. Don’t even bother.
High Chair
It takes up a ton of space. You’re better off getting a high chair that attaches to a regular chair
More than Two Parenting Books
Buy or borrow one or two parenting books of your choice. You don’t necessarily need to have a complete library of parenting books; you will learn to go with your instincts anyway and refer back to the book from time to time.
Bumbo Chair
It’s cute and cool but does come with risks. Infants placed in Bumbo seats can escape from the seat by arching their backs, leaning forward or sideways or rocking. Infants age 3 to 10 months old have suffered serious head injuries from falling from a Bumbo baby seat. Why take that chance when your baby isn’t sitting up by himself yet?
Bumper Pads
Many health agencies and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) awareness groups are now recommending that parents skip the crib bumper, saying that using these products may actually put children at greater risk for suffocation or SIDS.
Newborn Clothes
You really don’t need too much in infant size, 0-3 months. Baby will outgrow the clothes after wearing just once likely. Sleepers and onesies might probably the most worthwhile, rather than complicated outfits.
Glider
I didn’t spend the money on this one, but it was a no-brainer because I never liked the way gliders look! I’m sure many have enjoyed it but a simple rocking chair is also nice too.
Change Table
You can probably forego this piece of furniture, especially if the nursery is on the smaller size. Instead, opt for a change pad on top of a dresser.
The Ex is Coming for Dinner
Something I never thought I’d do by Dianne Preston
I did something for Christmas this year that I never thought I would again – I had my ex-husband over for dinner.
Over the past couple of months, we have been in touch again after three or more years of no contact. We’ve been divorced now for seven years.
I admit – it has been bothering me for about the last year that we haven’t been able to converse at all – even for my son’s sake. I’ve gone to pick up the phone many times to reach out… but I just couldn’t do it.
So I was glad back in November when he made the first move and called to ask me a question. He left a message which took me awhile to return.
When we did talk finally, it seemed like old times. When you’ve been with someone for 30 years, there really isn’t anyone on earth that knows you better. We caught up on a lot of things and I felt a relief knowing we could now speak civilly.
He called again a few days before Christmas to see if I could help him with ideas for our son’s girlfriend. He has always been a great gift giver, putting extra thought into it.
I asked what he was doing for Christmas dinner. “Oh, no big deal, might go to Craig’s.” Knowing him like I do, I knew this meant he wasn’t going anywhere.
Here’s my problem… I have way too damn big of a heart and could never see anyone alone on Christmas. So I called my son and asked what he would think of his Dad coming for dinner. It was great with him if it was alright with me.
So I called him back and invited him and he accepted! Whoa… now what!?
Have to admit it was a wee bit nerve wracking – again, I haven’t even laid eyes on him in a few years!
He arrived the same time as my son and when they all walked in together – it was weird and nice at the same time. We hugged and kissed automatically and the rest of the day proceeded the same way – normal?
If there’s one thing my ex did, just about every day of our marriage, was make me laugh. Christmas day was no exception – he has a wicked sense of humour and we all had SO many chuckles!
We had a lovely gift exchange with the “kids”. My biggest smile of the day came from knowing that – it doesn’t matter that my son just turned *gulp* 28 on Jan 2nd – it thrilled my son to have us altogether! Dinner turned out perfect and so did the remainder of the evening.
I keep saying to my friends that there are no ‘feelings’ there anymore’ he’s still who he is BUT I’m really glad we’re at this point now – for my son’s sake, and ours too.
I still can’t get over how normal and comfortable it all was. I guess it is possible to go from having a marriage to just a friendship again – I guess it just took me seven years. Better late than never.
Dianne Preston aka @smilenwaven is a proud Mom, first and foremost. Her son inherited his musical passion from her but thankfully he has talent! Dianne has worked in the admin world for most of her working years and now has a home-based typing, errand service. She loves music/concerts, antiques, Scrabble, cooking and being with friends, including her Mom. She worked as an associate-editor for two small newspapers and was married 25 years, but has since moved on and loving her ‘new life’ at the moment.
Mom Wars Still Going On?
“Stay at home moms are lazy?”
Oh come on!
I can’t believe this so-called “mommy war” is still going on. Stay at home, work at home, working moms, part-time working moms – can’t we all just get along?
Seriously! Why has Anderson Cooper resurrected this so-called mom war between stay-at-home moms and working moms?
Some women can’t afford to stay home; some women don’t want to. Period. It’s our own, individual choice and no one has the right to judge. Everyone does what is best for their family and frankly, that’s nobody else’s business.
Watch the video and let me know what you think!
When We’re 100? Talking to Young Kids About Death
Lately my boys have been a little obsessed about the D word.
The other night, my almost five-year-old started crying and said, “I don’t want you to die… Mommy what happens when we die?”
Oh boy. How do I answer? How much do I tell them?
Right before bed, he will often ask: “Will we die when we’re 100?”
He’ll also say, “You are going to die before me!”
And then the tears start to flow.
I usually let out a big sigh because I honestly don’t know how best to answer. I can’t avoid the question completely but I don’t want to say too much either.
“Honey you don’t have to think about that for a long time,” I say, hugging my boys ever so tightly.
But the questions keep coming. From my seven-year-old as well.
“When we die we’ll still be in our house?”
“Will we all be together in the cemetery?”
“Will we come back as ghosts?”
I hate having to answer these questions but know that I must address them simply.
So how do you explain death to your younger child?
It’s normal for your child to ask about death even if he/she hasn’t yet lost someone. It’s actually better to discuss it before losing a loved one. So answer his/her questions about death. Story books might help explain it better.
Younger kids probably can’t handle too much information all at once. For example, explaining that the physical functions have stopped might be better understood. “Aunt Maggie was very very sick and now that she has died, her body has stopped working. She doesn’t eat, sleep or breathe anymore.”
When they ask when they will die, a good answer might be: “No one really knows exactly when we will die, but most of us live a very long time. I am sure you will live to be very old.”
Explaining death and the afterlife will of course depend on what you believe in. If you talk about heaven, you may have to be careful about how you explain it. My son asked, “so we’ll all be happier in heaven?”
Oh boy.
“Well honey, when we die, our spirit lives on forever and ever. We’ll always be together and we’ll always be happy and dancing and playing.” Is this the right thing to say?
Kids want to hear that they will always be with their parents, no matter what. So you could say, “I plan to be right here with you until I’m very, very old and you’re all grown up.”
What if they’ve lost a loved one?
“We’re so sad that Uncle Jim isn’t here with us and we’ll miss him very much, but it’s nice that he’s with God now,” might be a good way to reassure your child without adding to his worries.
My kids have been asking me these difficult questions for months now, and I’ve realized that they will continue to ask much more for a long time. From what I’ve researched, children will likely ask new questions as they become more aware of death. These ongoing questions are normal and it’s best to keep answering them.
My Son is Changing
by Christine LaRocque
A soft place to land
A couple of weeks ago, my oldest son and I were cuddling on a lazy Sunday afternoon. My youngest was napping, the house was blissfully quiet except for the beeping sounds of my oldest’s tag reader as the two of us relaxed together enjoying our respective books.
I stopped and watched him for a moment. My heart swelled with love and joy. We had reached that point, the point where we could relax companionably in each other’s company. I was struck by how much he has grown up, how much he has changed, seemingly overnight. No longer a toddler, no longer even a preschooler, now a full on boy at almost six.
My mind wandered as he focused on discovering his books. As always, whenever I allow myself a moment to take stock, I considered this new phase of his life. I’ve noticed he’s changing.
While he continues to test his boundaries it has taken on a new edge. No longer is it about basic behaviour, but now it comes from his budding individuality. More and more he’s asserting himself with ideas that are all his own.
Life has a way of moving forward even when we aren’t completely paying attention. Until recently I haven’t focused much on who he is outside of our family unit. I’ve looked at him as my son, my oldest son, a part of us. Now I’m starting to see him for himself.
This leaves me feeling torn – between excitement for him, and apprehension and sadness for me. Everything is changing. Changing as it should, but that doesn’t make it easy.
I know that similar emotions run through the hearts and minds of mothers everywhere. We must let our children grow up, it’s important that we trust them in the world and let them be all that they should be. But we must also provide a safety net of comfort that they can come home to and guidance to help them navigate the new influences they face.
And so, though things are changing, much stays the same. He still needs me, perhaps more than ever. I will be here to hug him, to encourage him, to provide a soft place to land when he needs it.
Christine LaRocque is a communications professional and mom to two boys. She blogs at Coffees & Commutes, where she reflects on life as a full-time working mom.
The Best Things in Life Aren’t Things
by Sara Dimerman
If “The best things in life aren’t things” as the plaque (ironically, another “thing”) on my desk reminds me, then why do I have so many things? Why do my children have so many things and why do I continue to buy things? I’m sure I’m not alone in asking these questions. Especially at this time of year when we are more inclined to buy “things”.
I must admit to feeling somewhat conflicted when trying to discourage myself, and others, from buying things. I know that buying and selling is what makes the world turn. If things weren’t bought, then lots of people would suffer, least of all the receiver.
Nevertheless, it’s a good idea from time to time to take stock of what we have and what we really need.
I often hear parents talk about how unappreciative they feel their children are and how little time they spend with an item before tossing it aside and looking for something new and exciting to keep their attention. Often it’s the latest technological gadget. Sometimes it’s the most up to date piece in the fashion world.
Sorry parents, but I think we have ourselves to blame for that. Our children don’t come into this world wanting for anything other than our love and attention. It’s up to us to put the brakes on some times, to live with the consequences of saying no. It’s up to us to help our children learn the value of what they have by modelling this ourselves.
How about:
1. Re-evaluate the wish list idea.
Wish lists should be just that. Wishes. Some wishes come true and others don’t. If you don’t want to discard it completely, maybe pick one item from it and let your children know this in advance. If your children are used to getting every one of their wishes met, then there is bound to be disappointment if and when they don’t. So, be careful about setting a precedent.
2. Take everything out of drawers and cupboards at least once a year.
This need not all take place over one weekend but can be divided up throughout the year. Ask yourselves whether you’ve actually used each item or piece of clothing over the past six months. If not, consider donating it to a friend or charity. This can also be somewhat of a treasure hunt. Most of us have so much that we find items we don’t even remember owning.
3. Keep your home organized.
This reduces the chance of replicating items. For example, if you have all your erasers and pencils in one drawer of the house, you’ll know when you’ve run out and when its time to buy more. If they’re scattered throughout the house, you may be tempted to buy another pack of pencils rather than scour the house for stray items.
4. Model delaying gratification.
If your children see you buying on impulse, then they will be more inclined to do the same. This is not to say that you should never buy something you hadn’t planned on, but this should be more the exception than the rule. If an item can wait, then model saving for it or waiting a period of time before re visiting whether you really want, or need, it.
5. Create memories.
Rather than buying “things” for one another’s birthday, holidays or special occasions, think of something creative that will enrich that persons life with a special memory or experience rather. You may decide as a family that instead of spending money on expensive items that no one really needs, that you’d rather invest that money in a family vacation where you can take lots of pictures that will last you a lifetime.
6. Give back.
Instead of buying another mug, box of chocolates or scarf for your child’s teacher or relative, consider making a donation to a charity in his or her name. Or if you’d prefer, purchase a gift certificate towards an experience – dinner or a movie, for example.
I guess it’s time for me to take my own good advice!
Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families. She is the author of two parenting books, ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’ and ‘Character Is the Key’ and is one of North America’s leading parenting experts. Listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching “helpmesara” on iTunes. Find out more at Helpmesara.com
