This was submitted by an anonymous mom – any advice is welcome.

I have two children, 5 and 2 years old. I have stayed at home since he was born. I had a rough delivery.

Afterwards, I had postpartum depression and was on medication. My husband had to take off extra days from work because I threatened to take our son back to the hospital because I didn’t want him but then I would cry uncontrollably and hug him and kiss my son.

It got a little better but then I would scream or yell at him. I would get so mad or enraged that I couldn’t stand him. I would tell him I hated him; how I didn’t want him anymore; how I couldn’t stand him! I would push him down or hit him harder or spank him harder than I should. Then afterward would cry and beg for his forgiveness.

I pray that God would just kill me because I couldn’t handle being a mom. I love my children but they just know what buttons to press. I just can’t seem to help it sometimes.

I’m still taking medication. Have been diagnosed with PTSD after having a rough childhood. My dad hit me three times in my life and I feel that I’ve turned into him.

I know have two children and sometimes I want more but then I think I can’t even handle the ones I have or want them!! I have even looked into having myself admitted to a mental institution!

I just have no clue what to do! I probably should never had had children but I do love them at times.

Author

Maria Lianos-Carbone is Publisher/Editor of amotherworld. Follow her on Twitter @amotherworld and @lifeandtravelca.

5 Comments

  1. Know that parenting is hard no matter what. Whether or not you had a rough childhood yourself, or a wonderful one. Whether you feel that you were born to motherhood or not, whether you have a great support system or not.

    I too did not have the best childhood nor some of the best examples of parenting. I too felt like I could easily slip into the bad habits I witnessed and was victim of. And, sometimes I did. But, I woke up every morning with the commitment to just do my best. Because how much more could I do?

    My suggestions?

    If possible, get some help around the house whether it’s a cleaning lady and/or babysitter to take some of the pressure off you.

    Make sure you get out with your kids and do things, like programs with other moms, activities (especially drop off), outings (like the mall, library, etc.).

    Find friends who have kids the same age and get into a routine with them so you don’t feel alone or pressured. Companionship, playdates, meeting at the local indoor playground or even walking around the mall will make all the difference.

    Get yourself into some therapy to work through all these feelings and thoughts, and also into a parenting skills program (contrary to popular belief, being a mother doesn’t always come naturally.)

    Most importantly, recognize that you are a person, you will make mistakes, that you have feelings and that you are human. Really, we are all muddling throug this together. If you want to talk, you can get my contact information from Amotherworld. I am always happy to help other mothers!

  2. Dianne / Smilenwaven Reply

    Everything that Mara said… and HUGE hugs!! It may not seem it now… but you will come through this and be stronger for it.

  3. Mara’s suggestions are great. Be kind to yourself and don’t hesitate to ask for help. Get outside with the kids if it’s possible. (It’s good for your head.) And recognize that your chemistry may still be off. Talk to your doctor about your medication to ensure it’s the best one for you. You don’t have to feel this way. There are many options in terms of accessing practical and social supports, as well as addressing your health.
    Big hugs!

  4. nicolthepickle Reply

    Honey, get someone to help you. An older mom who’s gone through it all.
    Praying for you.

  5. It seems to me that you recognize that you have a problem. Now the next step is for you to get some help. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs that we will ever do as woman. But these are gifts that are given to us on loan until they become their own individuals. Getting help will allow you the ability to free yourself and them from what can be a viscous cycle. So again I encourage you to seek professional help so that you can repair any damage that has been caused. I will keep you in my prayers.

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